I think it was the lies, blame casting, and the profound lack of empathy for the pain those things caused that affected me the most. I was quite unaccustomed to, and totally unprepared for, someone whose friendship I valued having such a stone cold unresponsiveness to the pain they cause. I had no clue when I agreed to do something he asked that I might be blamed for doing it later….that I would give in to his pleas only to be have him tell others it wasn’t his idea. I had no idea that when I shared my hopes and dreams, fears and discouragements, weaknesses and failures, that one day they would be fodder for his lies and accusations against me. I was bewildered by his inability to understand how I felt betrayed by those things….confused by his convincing but false narrative….shocked by the lack of recognition or understanding that I might feel betrayed or be deeply wounded by these things. I was blindsided that most of it was blamed on me…too fragile….too easily hurt….too much on my plate…..was not operating from a place of peace….had been placed in leadership too soon. Unfortunately those lies come back to haunt me as I heal. Because narcissists know and use the weaknesses, dreams, hopes, and fears of a person, their lies and blame are believable. The enemy seizes that and capitalizes on it just as the narcissist once did.
Narcissistic abuse is a vicious mind game the narcissist plays expertly and his victim has no idea any such mind game is being played. Changing narratives, gaslighting, switching back and forth between praise and accusation, all feed the mounting confusion and keep the victim immobilized in uncertainty. When abuse messes with the mind, it’s confusing and incredibly disorienting. If you are not sure if you’re dealing with a narcissistic pastor, here’s one article that describes the narcissist, the narcissistic pastor and congregation, and the trauma inflicted on the victims.
The following list contains a few signs of narcissistic abuse. I experienced all of them to some degree. I thought maybe I was exaggerating or it was my wounded heart succumbing to the power of suggestion. So, I asked several others who had once been in relationship with him and all agreed that they had experienced most of these signs.
1) Love bombing followed by devaluation. This is different than the normal affirmation and correction that are part of a healthy relationship. It’s more like intense praise that feels a bit like flattery, followed by or accompanied with, verbal abuse or cutting criticism/slander. You are a spiritual giant…..You have the spirit of Jezebel. Accusation and praise alternating and/or side-by-side that keeps you off-balance internally.
2) Gaslighting…making you disbelieve reality or feel like you’re losing your grasp on reality. The narcissist is so convinced of his fabricated reality that you begin to question your own.
3) Intentionally sabotaging friendships or other relationships. This can be done through lying about you to others. In one relationship, she was told things I said…and I was told things she said…and all of it was lies. But, it sabotaged our relationship. Another time, he was sharing a “pastoral concern” he had about me that wasn’t true. It slandered me, painting me in a negative light. The person felt slimed and like he was trying to divide us.
4) Making you the enemy or bad guy for having feelings and reactions. I felt like a battered wife whose abusive husband was well loved and respected by all, and I couldn’t do anything for fear it would confirm the false narrative being told about me. Pain was seen as toxicity and any expression of it was viewed as anger, an evil spirit, bitterness, unforgiveness.
5) Constant lying to avoid responsibility. This is why narcissists always need a scapegoat. When confronted about something they said or did, they deny it or, more likely, blame it on someone else….even if the person witnessed it themselves. “I never said that. It’s not something I would say. I remember that Tammi said it. It sounds like something she would say because she’s jealous of how others hear God’s voice so clearly and she doesn’t.”
6) Never being at fault for any issues in the relationship but turning all of the blame toward you. If he takes any blame, it’s either minuscule and tangential or it’s for being too loving, to gracious, etc.
7) Having a lack of interest in who you are as a person.
8) A huge sense of entitlement. You owe them everything.
You may not experience all of them as I did, but if you are experiencing, or have experienced most of them, then you likely have been the victim of narcissistic abuse. Recovering from narcissistic spiritual abuse is a journey and a lonely one. For various reasons, healing from narcissistic spiritual abuse is often done alone. I think one of the primary reasons it’s lonely process is that you don’t know who you can trust. Even as I write this, months after I left the abusive relationship, I find myself withdrawing into myself when I’m around people. Always the extrovert, the emotional trauma of what I experienced is turning me into a someone who would much rather be home alone, or with a select few, than with a group of people…because I don’t feel safe. There were very few people I trusted more than him. If I can be so deeply wounded by this person, then almost everyone else in my world is capable of doing the same. A friend recently told me how he would often drop insults about me in conversations that had nothing to do with me.”Tammi, it seemed he was working hard to paint you as the enemy.” This was happening behind my back during the time I felt we had a great relationship and he valued me and my personality. How can I have any certainty that anyone else’s friendship is real…that they’re not being nice to my face and insulting me behind my back? How do I know that someone in this group won’t stab me in the back and everyone else act like it was a loving back rub? If you are a victim of narcissistic spiritual abuse, you were deeply wounded by someone you believed you could trust, so trusting anyone else is a risk. That risk keeps us from reaching out.
Another reason it’s a lonely journey is that few people believe your story, or care enough to listen. They don’t experience the person as you have because narcissists are masters at creating illusions about themselves and fabricating narratives that absolve them of nearly any wrongdoing. In a narcissistic system, protecting that illusion is worth sacrificing others for as well. By telling your story, they believe you are slandering their pastor(or other leader), doing the work of the devil, partnering with bitterness/offense, etc. I was fortunate that several people in my congregation were willing to listen and believe me, and stick by me even when warned not to associate with me.
Third, it’s difficult to articulate or explain. There’s an unreal quality….a confusing aspect….to narcissistic abuse that hinders our ability to talk about it. In reality, we ourselves even have difficulty making sense of what happened, believing that it was real and that it was wrong. With other forms of abuse, there are often visible scars or tangible events that we can point too. But with narcissistic abuse, there’s nothing to point to…no bruises or scars. So, we minimize it, or think we’re overreacting. I struggled with so much condemnation that I had been so affected…and so gullible. I was so secure in my identity before…how did this destroy me, leave me a shell of my former self??!! When we feel so much self-condemnation for the effects of the abuse, it’s not surprising that we’re afraid others will do the same. We’re not going to open up to someone who will minimize the pain we’ve experienced.
One of the first steps to recovery is to name it rather than minimize it. In the medical field, before any treatment or prescription is given, a diagnosis must be made. This is just as vital with emotional healing. If we think we’ve just had our feelings hurt, or a minor relationship conflict or breakdown, we minimize our pain, and…similar to a misdiagnosis results in a faulty prescription for health….we short-circuit our healing. “If you are the victim of a narcissistic pastor, then you have experienced severe psychological and spiritual trauma. You have been abused, used, betrayed and thrown away like yesterday’s trash.”(1) We need to understand that narcissistic abuse is emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically damaging so we can find what we need to heal. Trauma chews you up and spits you out and you find yourself experiencing a kind of PTSD.
I chose to write a college essay on narcissistic pastors because of my heart for those wounded by the church, but also because I was trying to make sense of what I’d experienced, and was behind on a mountain of college work. It was a way to process what I’d just experienced without taking a break from my college classes to do it. I didn’t think it was narcissistic abuse at first. I dismissed the notion when others suggested it. But, as I read and studied, I felt like someone was talking about my experience! They were naming it..articulating what I didn’t know how to. It all felt true…it felt familiar…it was right there in print…by those who’d experienced it…and who’d devoted their lives to helping others heal from it! I’m not crazy! I’m not overreacting! I wasn’t struggling so much because I held on to offense or unforgiveness….but had experienced something deeply wounding. It was incredibly healing just to name it….to say, “I was the victim of narcissistic spiritual abuse.” Now, I could see that what I’d experienced was abusive and wrong…milder than others have but still wrong and still damaging…and that, while I could’ve done some things differently, I didn’t cause it. When I began to understand the nature of narcissistic abuse, I could now understand why my identity and sense of self was so broken without feeling or thinking that I should’ve been more mature than that. I could now understand why I couldn’t feel safe or at home anywhere…without feeling fragile or easily broken. I could now give myself the grace I needed…and the permission to heal.
Research narcissistic abuse, narcissism in the church, and similar topics. Two fantastic books on this topic are Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissist Pastors and What We Can Do About It by Darrel Puls, and When Narcissism Comes to Church by Charles DeGroat. Dr. Diane Langberg has some excellent lectures on narcissism and other emotional abuse that are available on her website. I’ve found numerous resources as I researched that have helped me understand what I experienced.
Find someone you can trust. I know I just said narcissistic abuse, especially in the context of a narcissistic system, shatters trust. Trust when you’ve been wounded by the church is incredibly difficult. Church is supposed to be a place to heal not be wounded…it’s supposed to be a place that’s safe not a wolf’s den. But, often it’s not. As a result, you may now be wary of anyone who offers friendship. Without you realizing it, you were targeted for the treatment you received. You’ve been lied to, gaslighted, and isolated. Chances are you were accused of things based on lies that were told. All of this by people you thought cared….by the family you thought you were part of. The narcissist betrays you by his lies and slander….others betray you by believing him without talking to you….by ignoring or isolating you…so no one can be trusted. And that’s a lonely place.
Difficult as it is, the path to healing and recovering from narcissistic abuse means learning to trust…and that means risking being wounded again. The wounded heart says no one is safe….the steady mind knows that a certain few–very, very few–are safe. I started with a select few who were those I trust before I entered the abusive relationship that broke me. I sought their counsel in the earliest stages.
I reached out to those who had also had been wounded–prior victims-to apologize for being part of the system that wounded them, for not being the leader I should’ve been and defending rather than confronting unhealthy patterns, for not listening well to their hearts or honestly engaging with their concerns. I also processed with some of them, wanting to know if I my perception was skewed, and they began to care for my heart. They and the few from the congregation that I spoke of earlier became my support group. They were the ones I leaned on, cried on their shoulders, processed with…..and followed their counsel. When we just come out of narcissistic abuse, our compass is wonky…and it helps to have someone we trust encourage us and help us find truth again. Not only truth, but healthy steps forward, gentle correction when the wounded heart would embitter communication with “outsiders,” and more. A lot of my written communication during this time…emails, messages, and texts responding to criticism….were passed by this group before I sent it on. If I got a message of correction, I sought their counsel as to if and how to respond because I didn’t fully trust my heart to respond in a Christ-like manner. They acknowledged my pain and simultaneously helped me adjust my words and tone if necessary. I am forever grateful to this group of friends who walked with me through this dark, painful portion of my journey.
Who did you trust before all this crap happened? Who did you lean on before you knew the narcissist and became his victim? Are there any who believe you and are willing to stick by you? Who are prior victims? There’s very high probability that you are not the only victim. Risk reaching out to any of these people. Maybe just one or two at first. We need people in our healing journey. So many lies have been spoken to us, about us, and over us that we don’t know what’s truth. Our inability to articulate and make sense of our experience gives way to berating ourselves for not “getting over it.” Exposing the abuse is difficult. For all of these, we need people who will walk with us and not weary of our journey.
Relinquish the need and even desire for repentance from the abuser. I know that sounds unfair. I know how it feels to want something done that will compensate for the pain inflicted. But, the narcissist is so blind to the depth of his wrongdoing, and doesn’t care that they hurt you, so he is blind to the need to repent and likely never will. Apologies will likely only hurt you further because they will be largely blaming you and justifying himself. I received an email that was supposed to be an apology but it was more lies and self-justification and mostly accusation and evidence that I was, and had been for years, partnered with a demonic spirit. The apology was for not telling me these horrible things before he told others. It was just more hurt…and I had no option but to accept the apology because anything else would be used against me. Apologies from narcissists are more about your mistaken feelings, actions, and perspective and justifying their own.
When we are trying to resolve a conflict, we feel that if we can explain our thoughts clearly, use “I” statements, and be vulnerable with our feelings, it will work toward resolution and restoration. But, with a narcissist, no amount of re-explaining will help….there’s no “right” way to articulate your experience that will be a light bulb moment, evoking sorrow or repentance. I was told, “Facts don’t matter. It only matters how I felt.” When the facts don’t matter, and your feelings don’t matter, no amount of explaining is going to resolve anything.
“If you are waiting on repentance from a narcissist, you will have a very long wait.”(2) Healing, forgiveness and moving on are made a lot easier if there’s repentance or a sincere apology but since it’s most likely not going to be forthcoming, the healing process is stalled if you cling to a need or desire for either.
Allow the Holy Spirit to rewrite the story of this season. One Saturday morning, I was in a group art therapy session and was strongly triggered. When I asked if there was a lie I believed about my future, I saw a path littered with sharp stones and edge by thorns, thistles and briars that would tear at me and cut me if I walked forward. I knew I couldn’t trust God with my future. He was the one who led me on the path that tore me apart. He had led me to the church that broke me. I didn’t know if I could trust Him to lead me forward. At that point in the session, I shut down and went through the motions of finishing. “God led me to that church to help them build and they destroyed me,” I told my friend immediately afterward when she asked me how I was doing. Triggered so strongly yet again, I decided to seek counseling. In my first session, I was encouraged to allow the Holy Spirit to rewrite the story of what happened. He said that as long as the story is one of abuse, the pain will linger but when we allow the Holy Spirit to write a different story, the pain leaves. Immediately, I felt Holy Spirit say, “Let the story be about Me building you instead of them destroying you. Through all that devastation and pain, I’ve been equipping you for what I have in store for you.” I began to think of all the things I learned while serving a congregation as a church leader, processing congregational losses, and even in the midst of betrayal and emotional abuse…from the first day I walk in those doors to the last day I walked out. Some were things I needed to learn but I don’t know that know I would’ve learned them any other way.
Your human mind sees the story as it unfolded and it’s one of pain, betrayal, trauma and more. But, He works all this for our good and His glory if we allow Him. Ask Him to rewrite the story of your abuse….to give it a different meaning….to bring purpose to your pain…so none of it is wasted.
Know that in Him, you are always safe. I’ve talked a lot about trust and safety. Both feel non-existent in your life right now. That’s our physical reality…but our spiritual reality says that we are always safe because we are in Him. One of my life verses is Col. 3:3, “For you have died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” That’s an incredibly safe place to be. Hidden with Christ…in God. It may not feel like it and it doesn’t mean we’ll never be hurt again. It doesn’t mean we stay in an abusive relationship either. It means He’s got us…and He is safe. Because of this spiritual reality, we can live and love fearlessly. We may not be there yet…where we live from our spiritual reality all the time…but we keep our eyes and mind focused on it.
Forgive. Forgiveness is so often used as a weapon against victims, yet is also a crucial step in the healing process, that it deserves its own space. We cannot force another person to forgive, and should be very reluctant to put pressure on a victim of abuse to forgive her abuser. There’s nothing healing, restorative, or loving about standing at a distance and telling someone to forgive while we’re standing hand-in-hand with their abuser. In fact, it’s wrong of us, like salt on wounds, to tell someone to forgive if we have not taken the time to gaze into their wounds, weep with them, and mourn their losses. As a whole, the church puts a lot more pressure on victims to forgive than on abusers to turn from their abusive ways. We have given mental assent to the fact that forgiveness does not equal trust….but have used a lack of trust as evidence of a lack of forgiveness, thereby hurting victims further. If this is how you’ve experienced the message of forgiveness, please don’t tune out. I believe a healthy message of forgiveness has the potential to bring more freedom and healing than any other step you can make. I’ve witnessed the transforming power of the willingness to forgive even the slightest offense. Please stay tuned.
Sometimes our greatest healing comes from the same place we received our deepest wounds. Yes, we were wounded by those who claim the name of Jesus, but there are many expressions of the body of Christ..and it’s the body of Christ that carries true healing. I was deeply wounded by the church but most of the healing I’ve received was from the church. Just days after I’d left, I was visiting a church and went forward for prayer. As the pastor and prayer minister placed their hands on my shoulders and said, “All I can feel as I stand here is the intense pain you are carrying,” healing just flowed over me like oil. In another service, in another church about a month later, I felt Holy Spirit prompt me to “Invite them into your pain.” As I did, the chairs emptied as women came forward, surrounded me and ministered to me through prayer and prophetic words. I felt something shift that day. The storm was by no means over and I still needed a lot of healing, but I would say that day was the moment the clouds parted.
Healing from narcissistic spiritual abuse is a journey. There will be days of sunshine and days of clouds….days when you feel it’s all behind you and days you feel it’s suffocating you….days when you feel you’re ready to move forward and days you feel immobilized by the pain. But as with any other painful event, the good days become more frequent and the bad days become less intense. I don’t cry on most Sundays anymore, but I still don’t feel completely safe in church yet. I don’t know if my switch to introversion is permanent, or just part of my journey. Most importantly, God is rewriting the story of one of the darkest, most painful seasons of my life….and I can trust Him as I begin the next chapter.
Endnotes:
1. Puls, Darrell. 2020. Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissist Pastors and What We Can Do About It.(Eugene, OR: Cascade Books), p. 170
2. Puls, Darrell. 2020. Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissist Pastors and What We Can Do About It.(Eugene, OR: Cascade Books), p. 171