I can’t talk about the trauma narcissistic abuse inflicts upon people in a completely academic manner because I’m talking about pain and trauma. So, I want to speak to any who may be a victim of narcissistic abuse first.
If you are the victim of a narcissistic pastor, you have a lot of company. You are not at fault if a narcissistic pastor has victimized you! You were carefully and intentionally groomed, seduced, and manipulated to reveal some of your greatest hopes, weaknesses, and fears only to have them used against you by someone you trusted. You were blamed for things that were not your fault, accused of motives you did not have, and treated to one of the most discouraging emotional roller coaster rides imaginable. Even now, you may be thinking that by your reaction you made things words or that, with a bit more love and understanding, this would not have happened. In that you are wrong–there is nothing at all that you could have done to prevent it except break off the relationship. Even then, the narcissist’s guilt-mongering is so effective that you likely would still have some small suspicion that you caused it. You didn’t. Not at all!(1)
How does that feel? I imagine that statement speaks volumes to your heart. It did to me. I wept as the words washed over me. I encourage you to read it aloud to yourself several times until it feels as true as it is. I know that with every other form of abuse, victims often minimize the trauma and/or blame themselves. That is even more true when it comes to narcissistic abuse because of the nature of it. I also know how easy it is for us to berate ourselves for allowing the abuse to happen. We should’ve seen it…should’ve been stronger….shouldn’t be so devastated…should just snap out of it. But, regardless of the severity, you have experienced psychological and spiritual trauma that you can’t just snap out of. You have been used, abused and discarded like yesterday’s trash. While you have no physical scars, you have deep emotional wounds that are just as painful and damaging as physical or sexual abuse. We have lots of patience for someone recovering from sexual assault…and understand the need to allow broken bones and damaged internal organs the time to heal….but I want to encourage you in your healing to have just as much patience in your emotional healing. Give yourself permission to take all the time necessary to heal. That day will come in its time.
You are healing…and you are grieving. As a result of the narcissistic abuse, you have experienced loss. Loss of hopes and dreams. Loss of relationships. Loss of a church home. Loss of a sense of security and belonging. I’m sure you could list more losses. The grieving process is done in stages that you travel through, and not in a specific order. And it takes time. Allow yourself to grieve the losses you’ve experienced. Just like with any other loss, the pain is unbearable in the beginning and all that’s happened occupies your every waking moment, even invades your dreams. But, as time goes on, the pain lessens…it comes back but not as frequently and with less intensity; your mind begins to entertain other thoughts….even thoughts of moving on again.
Think of this like a broken bone. It takes time to heal and once it is, you’re still not ready to run a marathon yet. You need to build up strength and endurance. And, sometimes when there’s a low pressure system, it’ll ache.
Please know….
What you suffered is not your fault. You may have made some mistakes, but it didn’t effect or cause the abuse you suffered.
You have been deeply wounded. Give yourself permission to heal.
The sun will shine again one day. You will one day find joy in life and the pursuits you once enjoyed.
Your hopes and dreams are still to be fulfilled.
If you are wondering if you’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse, here is an excellent article listing 12 signs you might have. I experienced 10 of those 12. This article has a bit more of a flavor of dealing with narcissism in romantic relationships, but is applicable to any relationship in which narcissistic abuse may occur.
Now, to the rest of the church.
It’s important to understand that the victim of a narcissistic pastor has experienced some degree of psychological and spiritual trauma, perhaps mild but possibly severe. Emotional abuse may leave no visible scar and is difficult to articulate or measure but it is just as damaging as physical or sexual abuse. Being wounded by a narcissistic pastor is a particularly painful trauma. Clergy hold a uniquely powerful role in our lives, and an experience of abuse(in whatever form) from a pastor or priest or ecclesial authority is a profound violation.(2) It was done right under the noses of the congregation yet invisible to all of them. Furthermore, when the system rises to defend the narcissistic pastor and punish or alienate the victim, the trauma is intensified.
The victim of narcissistic abuse walks away from the experience with a shattered sense of their identity. Some of this damage is the result of gaslighting, which is almost always an integral part of narcissistic abuse. Gaslighting is a continual questioning, correcting, and doubting of one’s thoughts, feelings, and perception by another person until one is worn down and internalizes those questions and doubts. It can be interspersed with praise and affirmation causing the victim to remain off balance internally. The insidious nature of gaslighting leaves the victim filled with doubts and questions about her identity and her reality even after the relationship is over, and leaves her no longer certain of who she was or who she is, what she was or is capable of, or even if she can trust herself as to her own inner world, much less her external world. Like a person waking from a dream grasping for some sense of what it real and what is dream, she struggles to grasp for some sense of what’s real about herself.
Her shattered sense of self is also partly due to the fact that gaslighting robs the victim of the authorship of her own narrative and experience as the narcissist tries to control that narrative, especially with those around her who now confirm or believe what he claims rather than what she tries to say. There is a feeling of being trapped in a narrative that isn’t her own but, like a battered wife of a man everyone loves, she knows that any response will confirm that false narrative. Furthermore, she is either ignored or not believed. When the narcissist is allowed to control the narrative in this fashion, it is incredibly dehumanizing to the victim because she now has no voice into what’s happened, what’s going on inside her or what she needs. The system allows only one narrative and its not interested in hearing any others. Unfortunately, this dynamic is present in so many churches facing a plethora of abuse accusations, not just narcissistic. Victims are silenced, rebuked, ignored or disbelieved. One member of a congregation said to a victim of abuse that while he doesn’t doubt that she experienced what she felt was abusive, others in the congregation didn’t but felt the pastor was doing the best job he could. Then kindly asked her to put the past behind her. He had no interest in listening to her, and her pain and abuse was dismissed as simply “drama” that hindered the forward movement of the church.
Because the sense of self is so broken, many victims are unable to continue activities and pursuits that once brought them joy because of the damage done to their psyche. Their gifting, ability, or calling may not have been directly attacked or questioned, but the gaslighting, blame, self-justification and lies, and the soul-crushing alienation and isolation take their toll.
“He was deeply depressed, broken-spirit, and convinced that following the call into ministry of any kind had been among the stupidest things he had ever done–the last thing he ever wanted to consider again was ministry in any form. For the first time in his adult life, after three decades of high profile, high pressure success, he felt like a complete failure. His pastor had found his every weakness and exploited them all. He had failed at many things but had always looked at failure as a learning experience from which he could extract some insight and move on. Not this time. He had not failed; he was a failure. Full of unrelenting shame. He was now convinced he was broken beyond repair.”(3)
Victims of narcissistic abuse leave with a shattered trust in the world around them. They develop a strong distrust that hinders them from finding another congregation to call home, or even feel at home anywhere. They have been lied to and about, manipulated in numerous ways, so that their trust in others and in their world is severely compromised. Often, the lies told about them involve things they’ve shared with their pastor…their greatest hopes or areas of discouragement or weakness. How can they share those things with anyone else? When they’ve experienced the uprising of the system to protect the narcissist, this distrust may extend beyond those in leadership roles. Those who once loved them soon turned against them. Will others do the same? They’ve been “empowered” for selfish reasons and suddenly cast aside, used up. How do they know know the empowerment of another is genuine and won’t leave them sucked dry? Trust is very, very difficult to build after one has been wounded by narcissistic abuse.
Victims of narcissistic abuse have endured both emotional and spiritual abuse that can be just as damaging as physical or sexual abuse and may need counseling to fully heal. The nature of narcissistic abuse creates a fog…a confusion…a tangled web of so many things that don’t make sense and it’s hard to sort it all out. It takes time….and a safe place or person to process with. But, partly due to trust issues, and partly due to isolation and alienation, they find themselves trying to healing alone.
The victim is not the only one in need of healing. Darrell Puls, who counsels many churches affected by narcissistic pastors writes, “The church pastored by a narcissist is often left in emotional, relational and spiritual shambles.”(4) They may even be financially devastated by internal fighting and people leaving. Many feel an initial sense of abandonment as those people leave which is replaced by a feeling of betrayal by the one they’ve trusted for so long. Just like the narcissist is in love with an image of himself, the church has been enamored with an image of themselves and their pastor for a long time. Therefore, similar to the victim, they suffer a loss of identity as they deconstruct the image of who they thought they were for so long. “The church of a narcissistic pastor has been focused on its own story; the recovering church needs to find its unique place in God’s ever-unfolding story.”(5)
What can we do about this problem in the church? How do we confront it? More importantly, how do we prevent it in the first place? Stay tuned.
NOTE: This is part 3 of an essay written for my Pastoral Leadership course. Because of its length, I decided to break it into 4 blog posts.
ENDNOTES:
1. Puls, Darrell. 2020. Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissistic Pastors and What We Can Do About It.(Eugene, OR:
Cascade Books), p. 169-170.
2. DeGroat, Charles. 2020. When Narcissism Comes to Church.(Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press), p. 85-86.
3. Puls, Darrell. 2020. Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissistic Pastors and What We Can Do About It(Eugene: OR:
Cascade Books), p. 11.
4. DeGroat, Charles. 2020. When Narcissism Comes to Church.(Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press), p. 184
5. Ibid, p. 186
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