Preying Pastors: Narcissistic Shepherds Who Feed Off the Sheep Rather than Feed Them

Pastors are those whom God calls to lead a congregation, giving of themselves to nurture and care for those entrusted to them. They are like shepherds entrusted with the protection, care, and feeding of sheep. Many are fulfilling their calling in God-honoring ways, creating a culture that is safe, nurturing, and empowering. Unfortunately the nature of pastoral ministry also attracts those who are narcissistic and who prey on people as much as pray for them, feed off the sheep rather than feed them, and protect themselves at the expense of protecting their flock. First, let’s describe the narcissist. 

Narciso(1594-1596 by Michelangelo Caravaggio Retrieved from www.psychologytoday.com

The narcissist is traditionally understood to be the person who has an excessive interest in self, or an extreme form of self-love. The name is derived from a Greek myth about a handsome youth named Narcissus who falls in love with the image of himself he sees reflected in a pool. He is paralyzed by the image of himself, and unable to move lest he ruin that image, he ultimately wastes away. A deeper look into the story, and the narcissist, reveals not self-love but self-hatred; it is not so much about a person who is in love with himself, but in love with a fragile image of himself. In fact, narcissism is more a product of hidden shame rather than excessive pride. 

According to the American Psychiatric Association, a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder requires the individual to have a pervasive pattern of at least five of nine markers. These nine markers are: 

1) a grandiose sense of self-importance

2) a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love

3) a belief in one’s uniqueness and that he can only be understood by those who are special

4) a need for excessive admiration

5) a sense of entitlement

6) is interpersonally exploitative

7) lacks empathy

8) often envious of others or believe others envy them

9) arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.(1)

As with many psychological diagnoses, narcissism exists on a spectrum from slight inclination to toxic.  Most, if not all, of us have a slight inclination toward narcissism. We all crave admiration and affirmation, occasionally think we deserve more than we’ve received, and may compare ourselves with others maybe even seeing ourselves as superior occasionally, and sometimes find it difficult to empathize with others.  But, toxic narcissism is something far more insidious and is characterized by a grandiose sense of self, an insatiable appetite for affirmation and admiration, and a frighteningly profound lack of empathy. It typically involves lying, gaslighting, and scapegoating. While the average person with a slight inclination toward narcissism is still concerned about their impact upon others, the toxic narcissist cannot engage with how others experience him or her, and often reacts to feedback with self-protective defensiveness. Psychologist Dr. Diane Langberg describes this in laymen’s terms as “I am bigger. I am better. I am far more superior to you or anyone else. And,  I have no understanding, or interest in understanding, my impact on you except insofar as you can feed my ego or support the beliefs I have of myself.”(2) These people are also charismatic, inspiring, articulate, alluring, gifted and easily command the attention and devotion of others yet lack humility and the capacity for self-awareness and self-evaluation. 

A grandiose view of oneself  is manifested with enough frequency that it’s an integral aspect of the narcissist’s self-perception. This can be seen in exaggerated descriptions of his achievements and talents or an expectation of being recognized as superior without earning it. Narcissists believe they are made for grander things, a larger stage, and bigger audience. They need to be the center of attention, and be the best and brightest in the room. Conversations with a narcissist tend to center around his achievements or his ideas. He may start with a question about the other person or show seeming interest, but soon navigates to centering around himself. They may not openly boast about themselves, and in fact can make self-deprecating comments in the hopes that you will contradict the negative and affirm his “specialness.” Langberg states that narcissism at its core is “the preservation of myself as good and great.”(3) The narcissistic pastor presents an image of himself that denies and hides the blemishes of reality behind a curtain of aggrandizement the same as pancake makeup hides the zits and blemishes of an actor.(4)

Because narcissism is not a love of self, but a love of an idealized image of self, the narcissist needs a never ending supply of affirmation and adoration.  Just as Narcissus could not move lest he disturb the image of himself that fascinated him, the narcissist cannot entertain anything that disturbs the image of himself that he presents. He will respond with anger and/or defensiveness to anything other than praise. 

“You feed me. You adore me. You give me approval. You agree with me. Whatever happens, you reflect back to me the image of myself that I want to have. And God help you if you fail.”(5) 

Particularly damaging is the narcissist’s lack of empathy, though they can feign empathy for a time. In actuality, these individuals lack the capacity to understand, identify with, or enter into the feelings of another. They are incapable of sharing the pain of another person, even pain they have inflicted, unless it benefits them in some way. They may repeat verbatim a painful experience another person has had with them, but lack any connection with the pain the person feels. There is no “Aha!” moment in which they realize the pain they have caused; it feels more like a recitation than realization of the wounds they have inflicted.  Their egocentric thinking leads them to feel they have been grossly mistreated and betrayed by others when in fact, they are the ones wounding and betraying others. 

Dr. Diane Langberg describes the narcissist as “one who will punch someone in the jaw and then go on and on about how much his fist hurts.”(6)  They often surround themselves with others who sympathize with their hurting fist and seek to protect the narcissist from further hurt. They erroneously believe the situation is simply one in which both individuals were hurt and need to forgive and be forgiven. Unfortunately, the true victim, the one who was punched in the jaw, is often ignored and any attempt on their part to prevent others from being punched is often met with rebuke. 

Chuck DeGroat speaks of this dynamic in his book, “When Narcissism Comes to Church.” He writes,

“Narcissistic leaders experience a victim-martyr-hero identity that postures them as the inevitable targets of frustrated subordinates. Their persecution complex actually enhances their status among some who view them as a hero for standing tall amid the battle. The system comes to the rescue of the leader at the expense of his victims. The lack of feedback, fear of disloyalty, and victim complex make it hard to engage, let alone change, this system.”(7)

One of the most frustrating aspects of working with, or relating to, a narcissist is their expert ability to rewrite narratives as they see fit on a moment’s notice.  According to Darrell Puls, “One of the more unnerving traits of the narcissists is their ability to lie with absolute and convincing sincerity at one moment, and then say the exact opposite with the same sincerity shortly thereafter—then flatly deny that they ever said the first thing at all.”(8) If confronted with irrefutable evidence as to what they said earlier, they will not admit to lying but may admit to exaggerating or having a faulty memory.   To the narcissist, truth and reality are what they believe it to be at the moment and this is subject to change at any moment and without notice. This propensity to lying is necessary to ensure that the fragile image they love and have presented to the world is not ruined in any way. 

That is the narcissist in a nutshell. Not only does it seem this description is incongruent with the pastoral role, but what church would accept and retain such a character as their senior leader?  Stay tuned. 

NOTE: This is part 1 of an essay assignment written for my Pastoral Leadership course. Because of it’s length, I’ve decided to break it up into 4 blog posts. Any possible similarities with specific individuals is not intentional. 

Preying Pastors, Pt 2

Preying Pastors, Pt. 3

Preying Pastors, Pt. 4

ENDNOTES:

1. Puls, Darrell.  2020. Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissistic Pastors and What We Can Do About It. (Eugene, OR: Cascade Books):, p. 23.

2. Diane Langberg, “Narcissism and the Systems It Breeds,” lecture for the Forum of Christian Leaders, video, 1:05:52. Published May 5, 2016.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BU3pwBa0qU 

3. Ibid.

4. Puls, Darrell.  2020. Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissistic Pastors and What We Can Do About It. (Eugene, OR: Cascade Books):, p. 23.

5. Diane Langberg, “Narcissism and the Systems It Breeds,” lecture for the Forum of Christian Leaders, video, 1:05:52. Published May 5, 2016.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BU3pwBa0qU 

6.  Ibid.

7. DeGroat, Charles. 2020. When Narcissism Comes to Church. (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press), p. 22.

8.  Puls, Darrell. 2020. Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissistic Pastors and What We Can Do About It. (Eugene, OR: Cascade Books), p. 48.