Preying Pastors: The Narcissist Shepherd and the Flock That Protects Him

My previous blog post described the narcissist in general, particularly the primary traits of grandiosity, an insatiable need for approval and affirmation, lack of empathy, and pattern of lying. As one can imagine, the primary traits of a narcissist run contrary to what is expected of a pastor. One can only pretend to have a shepherd heart for so long. Their grandiosity and insatiable need for approval while maintaining the appearance of a humble servant is exhausting. In addition, those in the congregation, particularly those closest to the leader, are called upon to regularly feed this rapacious appetite, and in doing so, are used up, sucked dry, and kicked to the curb; those who refuse or stop are chewed up and spit out. Sheep have become food for the shepherd rather than being fed by the shepherd. 

Their complete lack of empathy is also incongruent with their role as shepherd. Pastors are called upon to minister to people in many emotionally difficult situations, such as sickness, death and other loss, divorce and family crises, all of which necessitate some degree of empathy. So the narcissist must continue to pretend if he is to keep up the image of himself he has presented. This creates an unbearable tension between what he knows should be and what is. The constant lying and changing narratives create a tension within himself in keeping up with all the narratives, in those with whom he relates, and eventually, in the congregation. No one can envision that their pastor would lie so easily, frequently, and convincingly. Those who witness his inconsistencies are torn and often question themselves, thinking they must not remember correctly, and confusion sets in. Those who confront the lying are viewed as slandering the pastor. Division and discord arises as those in the congregation try to figure out who to believe and what is true. Usually the pastor is more readily believed than the whistleblower simply because he’s the pastor.

The narcissist must always be in control. Because this trait is also incompatible with pastoring, the narcissistic pastor exercises control in a subtle manner. They may simply control the narrative and thereby control the situation…or last minute calls to change plans that have been made….or any means of orchestrating people, resources, and events to get what they want. They also “have a way of making choices feel off-limits without expressing any anger at all. It’s more like a war of attrition on your will than an outright assault on your freedom.”(1) Manipulation goes hand-in-hand with control. The narcissist, including the narcissist pastor, is unequaled in his ability to manipulate others. Just as with his exercising of control, his manipulative tactics can be subtle, but will include intermittent positive reinforcement, gaslighting, spoken lies and lies of omission, minimizing their own wrongdoing, blame and projection, the use of ambiguous language and unclear communication, turning the tables to make you look like the abuser, and more.(2) 

The narcissistic leader may make a great show of empowering others, but rarely actually does in meaningful ways.  The narcissistic pastor is concerned only about himself, sees the organization/church as the means to achieving his/her dreams, existing to fulfill his fantasies of grandiosity and affirm his godlike qualities, and sees others as tools to be used and then discarded when no longer needed or useful.(3) They need other people nearby to offload responsibilities but rarely give the authority commensurate with the responsibility. Furthermore, they may retake control at any time and feel that’s their right as senior pastor. He is predictable only in his unpredictability. He tends to keep staff and other leaders in ambiguous roles, giving responsibility without authority, or is constantly realigning leadership structures. He may offer big promises which feel like empowerment, but never follow through or the job description lacks specificity.  One pastor narrated this lack of specificity as the “freedom to live out her call unhindered.”(4) But, this ambiguity allows the narcissistic pastor to take over if he desires….or, if there’s any pushback, to blame the person he “empowered,” as if it was their idea, not his. He may “empower” people but only to be used as a workhorse, flying monkey, or scapegoat…and often, all three at some point. This is the only kind of empowerment a narcissistic pastor offers, one which benefits him and uses the other. True empowerment, which does not benefit him, is likely seen as a threat to his authority and control.  Once he can no longer use the subordinate, the “empowerment” ends. 

Because the narcissistic pastor is charming, charismatic, and gifted, they usually attract followers initially. But, once their destructive behavior kicks in, they lose many of them. “Thus they create their own problems: they attract followers as part of their deep need for admiration and often charismatic image, but then attack those same followers and drive them away, creating the need for more followers.”(5) It’s not surprising then, that the relationships of narcissistic pastors, even their leadership teams, are constantly changing except for those who attach themselves to the narcissist in some form of a codependent relationship. One consistent sign of a congregation led by a narcissistic pastor is an open back door, with a constant hemorrhaging of good skilled people and leaders. 

But these losses are never the fault of the leader. While healthy leaders are willing to take responsibility for their own actions and for whatever happens on their watch, especially when there is a constant hemorrhaging of members, narcissistic leaders do not take responsibility for what happens in their congregation unless it’s for being too loving, too gracious, etc. Instead, they rely heavily on scapegoats. Wherever there is a narcissist, there is a scapegoat. Because they are unable to accept responsibility, they always have a perspective that absolves themselves and blames and demeans others. Those who leave will almost always be subject to the narcissistic pastor’s slanted narrative that privileges his special perspective.(6) In charismatic churches, the losses may be blamed on demonic influence or a spirit of offense, but anything that will deflect responsibility away from the senior leader. 

The narcissistic pastor expects unwavering and unquestioned loyalty from staff and subordinates. He cannot be questioned or challenged without some form of punishment soon meted out. Staff and subordinates  must always toe the company line, praise their leader, and fend off any incoming criticism. This is never verbalized but woe to the one who fails any one of those unspoken expectations. They may receive the silent treatment until they have “learned their lesson.” They may be systematically removed from all roles but in a manner that will likely appear voluntary to others. Because the narcissistic pastor needs to control the narrative, he is very likely to create a narrative around that individual and his departure or resignation that silences any questions the congregation may have initially. 

With the entirety of this description, we cannot help but wonder what church wants or retains a narcissistic leader? As we seek to answer that question, it behooves us to remember that narcissists are masterful illusionists, social chameleons. They can play the part anyone wants them to play, even masking any of these unfavorable traits, to accomplish their own purposes. Some relationships provide their scapegoat or flying monkey, and others provide their “character reference.” We also play a role in accepting and empowering a narcissist. Initially, they are charming, bright, articulate, charismatic, commanding, and full of promises for making things all better. Unfortunately, we are often so blinded by their gifts and ability, that we often overlook their character. Plus, when a narcissist needs something of someone, they have an uncanny ability to ingratiate themselves to others through flattery or faux vulnerability. We eagerly receive the praise and affirmation given or the sense of being needed or special, and it isn’t until later that we realize that the praise was empty flattery, and being needed turns to being used. The slight inclination toward narcissism in most of us is like a magnet for the toxic narcissist to pull us into their web if we aren’t careful.

Various studies show the prevalence of narcissism among pastors is five to thirty times higher than the general population(7) Unsurprisingly, pastoral ministry is quite attractive to narcissists. A pastor is one who gets to stand in front of people every week and, as God’s mouthpiece, tell them how to live, what to do about their sins and shortcomings, cast vision, and more. Then, when they are done, they can hear repeatedly what a great message it was. Pastors are the ones we automatically invite into our most important and most intimate moments, from weddings to funerals. They are the ones to whom we confide our deepest, darkest secrets and the ones we invite to dinner as the honored guest. Pastoral ministry offers everything the narcissist needs as well as providing a constant supply of opportunities to have those needs met. It is the perfect career for a narcissist. While this is true, it is also true that a large number of pastors who fall somewhere on the narcissism spectrum are doing a fantastic job shepherding the flock entrusted to them. It is the toxic narcissist I am describing that is causing untold devastation. 

Narcissism is a disorder of the self and as such, is not created by a system. However, narcissistic pastors need to be accepted or approved by a system. Psychologist Diane Langberg speaks of two different systems that are prone to accepting narcissistic leaders. The first is a system that, like post World War I Germany, is hungry for something more. Then, someone comes in promising that something, and we listen. The picture of promise is painted with spiritual language, and laced with adjectives like ‘deeper,’ and ‘fuller,’ and ‘bigger,’ and all those things. So, the vulnerable, hungry, depressed sheep follow behind, believing the illusion, thinking it’s God. It’s very easy to be seduced when you’re hungry and someone says they’ll feed you. It’s true on any level…emotional, physical, spiritual. He’s a master of words, a pied piper, and unwittingly, people follow like sheep without a shepherd thinking that he’s come to feed them, not realizing that they will become his food.”(8) The second type of system is not hungry, but self-satisfied. This system believes they are better and need a leader who is grander and bigger and better than the ordinary. After all, “a special group demands a special leader. Extraordinary requires extraordinary.”(9)

There exists within the congregation mutually reinforcing relationships between leader and follower. “The leader relies on the adoration and respect of his followers; the follower is attracted to the omnipotence and charisma of the leader. The leader uses polarizing rhetoric that identifies an outside enemy, bringing together leader and followers on a grandiose mission. The followers feed off the leader’s certainty in order to fill their own empty senses of self. Interestingly, in this mutually reinforcing relationship, both are prone to a form of narcissism.”(10) As the leader strengthens these relationships, he also guarantees protection from the narcissistic system if any threat arises, from within or without. 

While the system does not create a narcissist, the narcissistic pastor can, and often must, create some form of “collective narcissism” within the system if he is to keep the acceptance or approval of the system. It is well-known that the leader of an organization sets the culture for that organization, so it is little wonder that a church led by a narcissistic pastor will develop a narcissistic culture. Puls has observed this dynamic in his work with narcissistic pastors and churches, and states, “An organization will reflect its leader, and the longer the leader is there the more accurate the reflection will be. The reflection is not just of the pastor, but the lay leaders as well, particularly if they are in strong support of a narcissistic pastor.”(11) There is a kind of transfusion that occurs in which, as people become part of the church, the church–its culture and personality–becomes part of them. “Unhealthy people then, are attracted to unhealthy churches, while the emotionally healthy will tend to either leave an unhealthy church or hunker down and make the best of it.”(12) It must be said that this dynamic doesn’t happen in every church that finds itself with a narcissistic pastor. Many resist powerfully until the narcissist is eventually forced out, but it usually takes a few years to convince the members of the truth of the situation.(13)

Many of the markers of Narcissistic Personality Disorder eventually become part of the church culture: grandiosity, lack of empathy, denial of disagreeable truths, little awareness or concern for external perceptions, and more. One defining characteristic of systems that accept narcissistic leaders is the idea that they are special. The narcissistic system parades its specialness: the unique way God is working mightily in this church or movement or denomination. This specialness “may feature the compelling personality or style of its leader, the strategic nature of its location or mission, the orthodoxy of its doctrine, the authenticity of its worship, the beauty of its liturgy, the integrity of its activism. Those within the system are led to believe that the church down the block isn’t as blessed, special, or faithful.”(14) Just like the narcissist leader himself, the narcissistic church has a collective sense of grandiosity, though it continues to use the spiritual language of humility.   “These systems exist for themselves, even though their mission statements may be filled with the language of service, selflessness, justice, and care. Those within the system find this contradiction exhausting. This is why many who get close to the epicenter of leadership either forfeit their integrity or resign.”(15)

Puls quotes Andrew Brown of the University of Cambridge who argues that “collective entities, in the form of groups and organizations, literally have needs for self-esteem that are regulated narcissistically. The members tend to conceal or simply deny any disagreeable truths from themselves about the organizations they belong to.”(16) Christians, just like any other human being, have an amazing ability to deceive ourselves at times. We believe lies that confirm what we want to believe when what we see is in opposition to what we wish. It doesn’t matter how many people say that the emperor has no clothes, the members continue to believe he is dressed magnificently. Any external feedback, critique, or correction will typically be dismissed if it doesn’t match the internal narrative of who they are, what they are about, and what has happened to bring about the feedback, critique or correction. This may be couched in spiritual language, i.e. “We’ve prayed about it and that’s not what God is saying.” God always seems to be assuring the narcissistic pastor and the system that the emperor is wearing magnificent clothing unmatched by his peers. Similar to the narcissist, if the blemishes of the congregation cannot be hidden, they place the blame on others. It is rarely the fault of the narcissist or the system. 

It is not surprising that a church led by someone who has a profound lack of empathy will also have a lack of empathy. This is not to say that every member will have a lack of empathy to the degree the leader does, but that there will be a corporate lack of empathy. They may loudly proclaim love and grace and forgiveness, but draw its members into more and more of a cold, rigid, unforgiving community.(17) Love is proclaimed but rarely demonstrated in tangible ways. This lack of empathy may be dramatic, as in routinely requiring public confession. Or, it may be less dramatic but just as real. “More often, people with questions or criticisms will be told privately that they would probably be much happier elsewhere, which is a shaded message to leave and never come back. Even more subtle are the places that begin a whispering campaign against someone that eventually cuts them off from all their friends and makes it known that they simply are no longer welcome. Conformity is enforced in this way.”(18) All this is done with spiritual language and often in the guise of “loving concern.”

Again, many pastors are serving their congregations in ways that honor God, even those who may fall on the narcissistic spectrum. And many congregations do a great job resisting the narcissist among them, even if the narcissist is the senior leader. This is not an indictment on all pastors or all churches, but a brief expose on the toxic narcissistic pastor and the culture that often develops around him if he is unhindered. Another aspect to this discussion that is important to realize is that narcissistic pastoral leadership is much subtler than this description implies. In the church, narcissism needs to be either covert or “Christianized” so that it seems to fit in the acceptable patterns of behavior for a pastor, and will not likely be obvious until you become a threat to the narcissistic pastor or the system.  This article is an excellent resource if you want to understand the more obvious typical signs that a church may have a narcissistic leader. 

How do the sheep fare when they are being “cared for” by a narcissistic shepherd in a narcissistic system? Stay tuned. 

NOTE: This is part 2 of an essay written for my pastoral leadership course. Because of the length of it, I decided to break it into 4 parts. Any possible similarities with specific individuals is unintentional.

Preying Pastors, Pt. 1

Preying Pastors, pt 3

Preying Pastor, Pt. 4

ENDNOTES:

1. Puls, Darrell. 2020. Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissistic Pastors and What We Can Do About It.(Eugene, OR:

Cascade Books), p. 60.

2. Ibid. p. 73-74

3. Ibid, p. 48

4. DeGroat, Charles. 2020. When Narcissism Comes to Church.(Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press), p. 74

5. Ibid, p. 31.

6. DeGroat, Charles. 2020. When Narcissism Comes to Church.(Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press), p. 72.

7. Wilder, E. James. 2018. The Pandora Problem: Facing Narcissism in Leaders and Ourselves.(c. E. James Wilder), p. 17. 

8. Diane Langberg, “Narcissism and the Systems It Breeds,” lecture for the Forum of Christian Leaders, video, 

1:05:52, published May 5, 2016, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BU3pwBa0qU&t=23s

9. Ibid.

10. DeGroat, Charles. 2020. When Narcissism Comes to Church.(Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press), p. 23.

11. Puls, Darrel. 2020. Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissistic Pastors and What We Can Do About It.(Eugene, OR:

Cascade Books), p. 155-156

12. Ibid, p. 156.

13. Ibid. p. 157

14. DeGroat, Charles. 2020. When Narcissism Comes to Church.(Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press),  p. 24

15. Ibid, p. 24-25

16. Puls, Darrell. 2020. Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissistic Pastors and What We Can Do About It.(Eugene, OR:

Cascade Books), p. 157

17. Ibid, p. 162

18. Ibid, p. 163