The abuse or mistreatment of other people, whether it’s physical, sexual, emotional, or spiritual…be it systemic or individual…relies on something to enable it to continue. A system is in place that allows the offender to continue to abuse one or more victims, and ensures that the offender can find another victim. Historically, in society and the church, oppression has been the system and force, or coercion, is the weapon used. That system, though arguably not completely abolished, has been replaced by a system built on loyalty. And the weapon of choice is the trust of the innocent.
Trust can be just as reliable a tool as oppression or coercion.
Whenever a leader falls or is found to be engaging in abuse, typically of a sexual nature, we are outraged that those around the leader didn’t see it or didn’t say anything. We believe that it if happened in our church or our community, we would not stay silent. We would believe the victim and support them. But would we? I would suggest that it depends on how much trust we have in our leader and if our trust can be questioned.
“The trust of the innocent is the liar’s most useful tool.” -Stephen King
When I was reading an article, this quote by Stephen King resonated with me, and I believe it’s one of the primary reasons abusers can go on undeterred for quite some time. It’s how they find new victims and what protects them from the rebuke or disapproval of the group of people around them. It behooves us to honestly engage with the problem of trust that enables leaders to mistreat and abuse people.
A couple caveats before I discuss such trust…I am not willing to ascribe identity to anyone’s behavior or choices, so while someone may habitually lie, I am not willing to say that person is a liar. Second, “innocent” does not just mean naivete, but also uninformed, unaware, or ignorant of information others have. Nonetheless, King makes a valid point that is not just true of habitual lying. Every form of abuse or mistreatment—sexual, emotional, physical, narcissistic, spiritual—relies on the trust of others who are unaware or uninformed(though typically habitual lying is part and parcel of every other form of abuse).
The mistreatment or abuse of another person relies on the trust of the innocent victim. When we trust a person, we downplay or ignore checks in our spirit that would cause us to set up boundaries. We remember how uncomfortable that extra long hug or a sexually charged comment felt and dismiss it as being too sensitive. It seems that facts and narratives are constantly changing and we blame it on our faulty memory. We feel used yet chastise ourselves because Christians are supposed to be willing to serve without titles or acknowledgement. Our own questions and doubts are repeated by those who are mistreating us when we are told that we are easily hurt…or unhealthy…or imagining things…overreacting…making mountains out of molehills. Eventually, we learn to distrust our own intuition and instead trust the other person in situations that make us feel uncomfortable or concerned. The desire to trust becomes a tool to enable further mistreatment and abuse.
This does even more damage when others, who have not had the same experience, chastise us for not trusting and/or encourage people to trust the person who is wounding us. It’s possible for our experiences with a person to be different. The fact that I never experienced sexual harassment from an individual doesn’t invalidate the fact that you did. You may not be gaslighted by someone, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been. Our trust in a person must be based upon our own experience with that person, not that of someone else. When we chastise people or believe them to be in the wrong for not trusting someone because our experience is different, we are asking them to ignore their own experience…and the red flags their experience raise…and give greater regard to our experience. This often results in further victimization by others. When we encourage people to trust someone regardless of their intuition or the information they have about the person/situation, we are asking them to blindly trust simply because we do. A healthy relationship is never built on blind trust. Trust cannot be demanded or required but must be earned. We need to allow people their own journey of learning to trust and require the person we trust to do the work of building trust in all their relationships.
The mistreatment or abuse of another person relies on the trust of the innocent bystander, especially those who surround the perpetrator and victim. Well-meaning, compassionate people don’t just decide to defend or protect someone who mistreats other people. Christians don’t typically choose to turn a blind eye to hurting people. So why do they? Why do they isolate the victim and protect the leader? Because their trust in the leader compels them to. It’s common knowledge that abusers groom those around them as much as they groom their victim. People who are in relationship with the abuser and the victim, unaware or uninformed of vital information, choose to distrust those who had concerns because they trust the leader. To engage with the victim or listen to their concerns feels like betraying trust and gossip. The victim is stiff-armed, rebuked, ignored, isolated and silenced…because those around the person trust the accused. Credible witness after credible witness can come forward with similar concerns or accusations that go unheeded…because those around the leader trust and defend them. The integrity of these witnesses is no longer trusted or deemed credible…because those who don’t have all the information and refuse to seek it, trust the leader instead. This innocent trust becomes a tool to enable abuse and mistreatment.
I know women who have set boundaries with their parents only to be criticized by family and friends who trust their parents without really knowing what went on behind closed doors….congregants who raise concerns about a leader in their church and are rejected by church members who trust their leader without knowing or listening to the experience of others who worked with him/her…wives who have been chastised for divorcing their husbands by friends who trusted him without knowing what she faced on a daily basis.
I’ve experienced a stopping of the ears of people who do not want to hear that the person they trust may have deeply wounded someone…watched the smirking of some who cannot fathom that someone they trust might be capable of abuse or mistreatment of others….witnessed staunch pushback against credible accusations of sexual misconduct that proved to be true because the accused was like a hero or father to them.
If we want to create a culture that protects people from mistreatment or abuse, it behooves us to recognize when our innocent, unaware, uninformed trust may be a useful tool in the hands of someone who is mistreating others. We need to be willing engage with the concerns or accusations raised by people who we have known to be honorable and credible in the past. Our trust cannot dictate that certain people are above scrutiny. A person of honor wants transparency and feels no reason to resist or avoid scrutiny. We need to understand that dialogue for the purpose of seeking truth is not gossip or slander and, guarding ourselves against a “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” posture, commit to listening to those who claim to have been mistreated or abused by the leader we trust so well.
This doesn’t mean we don’t trust, but that we don’t allow our trust to hinder us from seeking truth or protecting others. It means we intentionally become more informed by listening well to those who have a different experience. When we are willing to do this, we become agents of healing and reconciliation in a broken, hurting world rather than tools that perpetuate abuse and mistreatment.