We have this idea that people stay away from church because of sin, hardened hearts, independence, the pull of the world, etc. But….what if…..it’s because they’ve tried church….and their deepest needs weren’t met…..but have actually been made worse? What if it’s because we are inadvertently wounding them further in their area of need rather than helping them heal? If we-as God’s representatives-fail to meet the real needs people have, what would make them believe that God would? If we-His representatives-are hurting them in the same areas they have been wounded so much, what would induce them to believe that God will heal them rather than hurt them?
People come to churches with wounds, out of which they act. They leave their childhoods behind with deep, unmet needs, looking for those needs to be met. When these needs are expressed in adulthood, it often looks inappropriate. We look at them with our natural eyes and fail to see the wounds and needs that lie beneath the surface. Sometimes we see the needs, but believe we cannot/should not meet them…or are unaware of how our actions strike at that very need.
A middle age man starts attending a church. He grew up in a home filled with criticism and few, if any, compliments. He never received affirmation growing up. When viewing him through natural eyes, he seems slightly withdrawn, somewhat needy, seeking the approval of man, but a solid, dependable guy. When positions in the church open up, he is routinely bypassed during the selection process. Years go by, and he is rarely considered an option. When the church decides to ask the congregants their strengths, gifts and where they would like to serve, he readily answers the questions, selecting those areas of his strength that he would like to serve. But, he is bypassed again. After several years of this, he decides he may as well be content simply warming a pew…which causes greater disapproval. Or, he leaves…immersing himself in the workplace….at least there he is respected. Obviously, he is as incompetent as he believes…..everyone must think so. We certainly didn’t think he was the one for the job…so probably…neither does God.
She comes from an abusive background. As a result, she has an intense need to be protected and defended. She has longed all of her life to hear the words, “I love her…and you will not treat her that way!!” But, she doesn’t….never has….probably never will. So, she believes she must protect herself. To the natural eyes, she is strong, confident, combative at times, intimidating, maybe even cocky. We set to work making her into a godly woman. We help her see how combative she can be….try to humble her cockiness….gentle her so she is less intimidating. All of this is with the intention of helping her grow into a godly woman. In the process, we inform her that “some people” aren’t comfortable with her strong personality. We have just violated her deepest need. We have advocated for an anonymous person against her….leaving her defenseless and unprotected. Everyone becomes that anonymous person and she feels unsafe and unprotected. Because she is forthright, we feel she can handle forthrightness….but…sometimes forthrightness is not appropriate….but when no one comes to her defense to say it was wrong….her deepest need has once again been violated. She is in the midst of a group of people….defenseless and unprotected. All this occurs without anyone realizing they are alienating her further because she is completely defenseless and unprotected. Dejected, she leaves….still feeling this intense need for protection…but now believing that even God won’t protect her or defend her….because we didn’t.
He grew up the youngest in a violent, chaotic home and was often overlooked. Deep in his soul, he longs to belong….to have a place in this world. Even though he has attended the same church, lived in the same area for decades, this longing to have a place continues to nag at his soul. We go on relating to him as usual, unaware of that need. Even if we were aware of it, we don’t understand it. He has one group of friends that give him a sense of belonging, but they don’t attend church, so he is often counseled on associating too much with the world. Several interactions with others in the church give him the distinct impression that something’s not quite right about him…that he doesn’t truly belong…he’s really an outsider. But, he tries to dismiss it as his own perception….just petty thinking….he’s being too sensitive. Then, a decision is made that confirms to him his lack of belonging. He is not permitted to do something that others in the church have done before. It sounds all innocent…bible verses were given and all….but, he wonders, “Where were those bible verses when the others got permission?” So, he can only conclude that they were permitted because they were insiders…he was an outsider….they had a place in this church…he didn’t. It strikes at the greatest need he has….a need that God would love to meet. But, he leaves-maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally-now believing that because we see him as an outsider, God does also.
She has believed that the traditional interpretation of Timothy’s and Peter’s directive for wives to submit is wrong. Repeatedly, the leadership and women exhort her to submit to the church leadership and to her husband….who is actually her 2nd husband. But, she remains adamant that we have interpreted it wrong. To our natural eyes, she is feminist, angry and hates men. So we work on fixing her helping her see what the Bible teaches. But, we don’t see all the abuse she has suffered at the hands of men…abandoned by her father….raped by her brother and uncle….beaten and molested by her stepfather. Her 1st husband used corporal punishment to get her to obey him, and often yelled at her in anger, humiliating and degrading her. The church she attended at that time supported him and told her to submit to him even if he was a little harsh. Is it any wonder she doesn’t trust male leadership enough to submit? She is fed up with church and male leadership. If that’s what God is like-demanding her submission without considering her pain and needs, then she doesn’t want anything to do with Him.
There are numerous other examples happening all around us. People visiting our churches and leaving, or simply staying away….because we only see them through our natural eyes…we don’t try to look beneath the surface at their pain and unmet needs…they aren’t valued for who they are…they aren’t accepted until they become more like us…..
We inadvertently wound them further…failing to meet their unmet needs….because we relate to them solely on what we see with our natural eyes. Sometimes we do see their pain and needs, but fail to see how our actions exacerbate rather than alleviate their pain. Unfortunately, they view God as they see Him in us….so they don’t really believe He cares about their wounds and deepest needs….because we didn’t. He only cares that they fall in line and become like everyone else—-because that’s what we have communicated. They have no grid to believe anything different about Him.
So…they turn to the world believing that the world will meet their need and alleviate their pain…or at least help them deaden their soul to it.