It may or may not have been invented yet, but a powerful weapon of warfare would be one which inflicts very little pain or reaction in the victim upon impact. But later, slowly and gradually robs that person of their strength, making them disoriented and weak….ineffectual. The initial impact would be brushed off as no big deal like one would brush off a mosquito. In a way, it would actually strengthen the victim at that point. But, later, he is immobilized and wondering what exactly has caused it.
Thinking of mosquitoes reminds me of a deadly disease, malaria. It comes through the quick, nearly painless bite of a tiny insect. At that moment there is little reaction or pain. But, it gradually robs the patient of his/her strength. It comes in cycles. There are times the patient feels quite normal for a few days, then a new outbreak within their bodies brings with it a high fever and debilitating weakness. When Kari had it, she often needed help walking during these times. This cycle repeats itself until it is completely eradicated from the host’s body. If not completely eradicated, it can be deadly. In fact, it’s the most deadly disease in the world right now, I believe.
No, I don’t spend inordinate amounts of time dreaming up different ways of taking people out. Nor do I research deadly diseases for fun. It’s just that recently I’ve experienced something very similar to that. I feel like I have a sort of spiritual malaria. Originally, I brushed it all off as no big deal. Not necessarily a simply mosquito bite but, it didn’t hurt much….at that point.
I’ve been rebuked, reprimanded, scolded or warned more in the last 5 months than in the previous 38 years of my Christian life combined. I’ve joked about it, wondering if it would be preferred if I go back to operating in the flesh when most of what I did was my strength, from my heart, for my glory. But, I wasn’t serious.
But, I am slowly….gradually…losing my strength. I’m uncertain…disoriented….and still feeling very much exposed and without defense. Every time I bring it to Papa, I’m not sure if it’s His voice I’m hearing in response or my own. So, basically, I’m not sure what I’m hearing from headquarters and it weakens me further. And, then when I begin to believe that those who have accused me would welcome my exit…..my strength is just a thin strand. Like malaria, I have days of feeling quite normal, full of strength. And then, the debilitating lack of strength hits and with it, I again feel disoriented and uncertain of my next step.
Oh, among the troops I can rally the battle cry….but in my quiet moments I wonder…..where do I go? What do I do? Am I free to be the me that He has called me to be? Crawling under a rock sounds quite appealing…hidden from view….ruffling no feathers….shielded from attack.
But, crawling under a rock is not where He wants me to be. There is no room to grow there. It’s not a offensive position. Oh, it keeps me from feeling exposed and without defense. But, He says He is my Defense. He is my Refuge. So, I am not exposed….nor without defense. It just feels that way. And going back to operating in the flesh is simply not an option either. It’s the most powerless and ineffective place of all. I really need to eradicate this thing before it destroys me. So again, I strengthen myself in the Lord.
Hear a just cause, O Lord, attend to my cry! Give ear to my prayer from lips free of deceit! From your presence let my vindication come! Let your eyes behold the right! I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God; incline your ear to me; hear my words. Wondrously show your steadfast love…Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings…As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness. Psalm 17, excerpts