I’m learning to be careful what I pray….it may not look like I think…..that the journey of the heart between the utterance and the answer can be heart-wrenching. Some time ago, I prayed a reckless prayer, “Lord, make me desperate for You.” Whew! I was unaware at the time how painful desperation can be…..how lonely one must become to be truly desperate….how despair is actually the root word for desperate. But, when He did answer….it made the entire journey worth it….every effort, every tear, every dark night of the soul….all combined to make the answer so much more precious.
Several weeks ago, I prayed another prayer. The answer came much more quickly. I knew what repentance was. I had grieved over my sins. But, I knew there was still a portion of me inside that, while I hated it, it was still there. I wanted to be rid of it when God revealed to me that I need not be rid of it….I needed to relinquish control of it to Him….so He could use it as He willed….for His purpose….for His glory. So, I prayed that I would see how I was using this tool in ways that were inconsistent with what He wanted. And, I added, I wanted to feel it deeply….I wanted my heart engaged, not just my mind. I wanted to gaze honestly inside my heart and weep for those things I find that are contrary to the character of Christ.
The very next Sunday School class, we began listening to the book, A Tale of Three Kings, about Saul, David, and Absalom. My mind wandered at first but was soon gripped by the message. And, then these words were read that pierced right to the core of my being:
In performing this small feat of returning thrown spears, you will prove many things: You are courageous. You stand for the right. You boldly stand against the wrong. You are tough and can’t be pushed around. You will not stand for injustice or unfair treatment. You are the defender of the faith, keeper of the flame, detector of all heresy. You will not be wronged. All of these attributes then combine to prove that you are also a candidate for kingship. Yes, perhaps you are the Lord’s anointed.
After the order of King Saul!! (emphasis mine)
Can I just say how convicting that was? Those words were written with me in mind! As I quietly talked with Father God about this during the worship service, I asked Him, “Have I been returning spears still? You know that I don’t want to. Am I returning many spears? Show me!!”
“No, my child, you haven’t returned many…a few, though. But, you have picked up many a spear. You have held them in your hands, testing their weight, enjoying the feel of the spear in your hand. You have pondered casting it, confident of your accuracy, even imagining the impact. Stop picking up the spear. Leave it lay. And, one day, it will feel foreign in your hands.”
Tears of repentance flowed freely that morning as heart, mind and soul felt conviction deeply. I know that what He has meant to be used as a tool for Him, I have used far too often as a weapon. I also realized that while lately I haven’t used it as a weapon, I have contemplated using it as a weapon, which to Him, is one and the same.
Further discussion with Papa revealed that once this weapon felt foreign in my hands, He will then begin to teach me how to use it as a tool. So, now my prayer is, “Holy Spirit, as Papa teaches me how to use this tool, help me to discern when I am attempting to use it as a weapon.”
Satan would have us lay down our weapons….and our tools. God desires to turn our weapons into tools. Every weakness we have….every struggle….has a Kingdom counterpart that God wants to use. When I ask God to remove the weakness….He must remove the strength that is the flip side of it. But, He wants to use that. So, we yield control of every part of ourselves to Him….and the weapons we once used will become tools for the Kingdom.