Walls cost more than you realize!

“So, why shouldn’t we build walls?”

The question hit me full in the gut…a genuine inquiry…but emotions came full force from my soul. So much force I struggled to control them as I answered.

“The cost is greater than you realize,” I finally managed to say.

I didn’t understand the cost when I first began. I was preschooler. Don’t cry. Don’t feel. I remember vividly the day, as a 6 year old, the walls grew to impenetrable dimensions. It was the only way to survive. The pain was far too great to bear. Stuff it. Ignore it. Avoid it. Move on.

By 8 years of age, they were such a friend. But I was now experiencing, on a regular basis, another pain that the walls couldn’t keep out. So I found a new friend: disengagement. When you live in another world, you don’t feel the pain of this one. No one need know the agony my bedtime routine caused. And no one questioned. Walls hide you, and your pain, from everyone. Disengagement projects whatever world you choose to project.

It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all!

As life went on, I got so accustomed to the walls, I decorated them. With signs of life, beauty, and happiness that didn’t really exist. To those on the outside, it appeared as if there was a party going on…all the time. Laughter. Excited conversation.

A facade. There was no life inside. No beauty. Little true happiness. It was a kingdom of isolation and I was the queen.

Teenage years bring their own specific kind of pain. Rejection. Comparison. “Have you looked in the mirror this morning? Did you see how ugly you are?”

“Let it go, let it go! Turn away and slam the door!! I don’t care what they’re going to say! Let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway.”

Repair the walls. Decorate them. They were such a good friend to me. I needed to take care of them.

But one day…Love broke through. Just as vividly as I remember building the walls, I remember the day Jesus squatted down, opened His arms to me and I flew into them! The walls around me began to shake, splinter, and fall.

“What would I have done if it wasn’t for Your love, the love that tore the veil inside my heart?!”

I basked in that love, oblivious to everything else, for two years! Ironically, at the same time, I was immediately thrust into the midst of one of the greatest seasons of rejection that I’d ever experienced…and was blissfully unaffected by it. I was surrounded by something far greater…and far stronger than any wall man can produce. It was the ferociously passionate love of Papa.

No longer was it distance, but His love that made everything seem small. Fears that once controlled me couldn’t get to me…because He was holding me! I could let it go and trust in Him. My life was no longer hidden behind walls…but was hidden with Christ in Papa.

He held me at arms length one day, looked into my eyes and asked, “Will you continue to believe that I am you Defense, even if you never see the evidence with your natural eyes?” I squirmed, averted my eyes. I can’t…but I must. “Yes, I will trust that you are my Defense, no matter what my natural eyes see.”

Secure in His love and confident in His protection, I was ready to meet the world from which I had isolated myself for 45 years. I knew I had wounded people, stiff-armed others. I was aware that all the passion with which I was wired had been funneled into anger all my life. I understood that reintegration might take time. But I can do this because He is by my side…because I am loved with a love that can never be taken away…because I am fully accepted by Him!

Several years later, I was sitting at a funeral service. The week had been a physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting one. As I watched those around me, an avalanche of regret swept over me as I realized the cost of those walls! The ones I cared for most had gone on without me, developed relationships with others that supplanted what I could have had…if I had not built those walls.

I screamed inside. I grieved. I cursed the now nonexistent walls, “You betrayed me! I thought you were my friend! But you took something I can never get back! I thought you were protecting me from pain, but you were simply isolating me from those I love! You lied to me! You never told me how costly you would be!!”

And I haven’t stopped weeping. And I wonder when I will be done paying the cost. I didn’t realize I would lose so much when I was adding bricks….when I was decorating…when I was projecting what I thought was safe and withholding my heart. I had lost so much of life and memories because of being disengaged. Relationships I didn’t know how to mend or where to begin. Memories that I could never get back.

But God. I love that phrase. But God. Everything can seem hopeless and lost…but God.

…restores the years the locusts have eaten!
…raises the dead to life!
…makes an army out of a valley of dry bones!
…builds up ancient ruins and repairs former devastation!
…is making all things new!

Papa, please do those things you delight to do for us! Restore! Resurrect! Revive! Rebuild! Repair! Renew!

Secure in His love and confident that He will indeed do these things, I can rest…without walls.

I’ve often been asked what’s the difference between walls and boundaries. Walls have immeasurable dimensions, designed to keep pain out. Boundaries are like picket fences, designed to let the world know where you live. Walls are difficult to communicate through; boundaries allow neighbors and friends to gather and chat. Walls enforce isolation; boundaries promote connection. Walls are fear based; boundaries are love based.

Do you have walls? You don’t need to. He will protect you. Sit before Him and ask Him to show you any walls around your heart.

Ask Him to show you when you first felt the need for walls.
Forgive those involved and/or the situation that caused you to feel the need to build a wall around your heart.
Ask Him what tool He wants to give you to tear down the wall.
Have at it! It may feel like Edmund felt when Aslan removed His scales…but it’s worth it!
Now that the wall is gone…what do you see?

It may takes some time to get accustomed to living without walls. It may take time for those around you to get accustomed to seeing the real you. The enemy would like nothing better than to tempt you to start building again. Don’t. Remember the cost. Papa is right there beside you. He’s closer than the air you breathe. He will protect you. Jesus is walking beside you. He will teach you how to live. Holy Spirit is empowering you, washing over you daily, comforting and nurturing you.