There are times when a gust of wind fills your sails, knocking you slightly off course, but it’s easily corrected. In no time, you’re back on course. Then, there are those times when a gust is so strong and unexpected that your ship is tossed violently and you become disoriented, pull in your sails and take time to assess your position, course and the amount of correction necessary to get back on course. All too soon, there comes a point when those sails must be unfurled again or you will sit motionless in the water, going nowhere.
I can’t really say the gust was completely unexpected. A squall earlier alerted me. But, much earlier, my instruments were warning me to expect some strong gusts from a certain direction. Had I not been alerted, the damage may have been greater. I had readied myself some, but maybe not enough. I’m still somewhat disoriented. But, even more telling is the fact that my sails are completely pulled in, tight to the mast. I am uncertain and hesitant, nervous about my ability to read the compass and fearful of going anywhere without that ability. So….I sit here…no sails up to catch the wind…..motionless….going nowhere.
I don’t like sitting motionless in the water. What am I afraid of? I know I can’t sail long without experiencing some strong gusts that threaten to knock me off course. I’m not afraid of that. And, I realize that there may be times when I deviate from my intended course, but constant orienting keeps me from straying too far. So, what exactly is keeping me from unfurling those sails?
As I talked with the Captain, I realized a few things. First, I had the wrong sails open. I was still wanting to fill my sails with the wind of men’s approval. So when the strong gust of rejection hit, I was tossed as if it were a category 3 hurricane. I wonder….how long does it take to disentangle oneself completely from the need for men’s approval? Furthermore, it’s a delicate balance between respecting someone and gleaning from the words they speak into your life but not being dependent upon their approval. This balance isn’t easily learned. The greater you respect someone, the more you desire their approval. Also, there are some relationships that grow so close it can be difficult to discern how much one is looking to that person for approval.
The other, probably most vital thing the Captain told me was that I still don’t trust my ability to read the compass and orient my ship accordingly. He keeps encouraging me on this, but I still have huge doubts. His voice is my compass. But, learning to recognize His voice among the many is a process. He speaks to us in a variety of ways, all of which are dependent upon our ability to hear accurately. They are all filtered through our experience, teaching, biases, etc.. And, they all carry inherent risks.
He speaks through His word which would seem the most reliable. But, this has been misused, misinterpreted and misunderstood throughout the generations and I am no exception. I have too often misused His word and misunderstood or misinterpreted it. It is far too easy to confuse a logos with a rhema. My obedience is dependent upon my interpretation which may not be accurate. I might not be reading the compass correctly. Plus, I long to hear His voice on matters that aren’t in His word….things specific to individuals and their needs now.
He speaks to us through other people. But, this involves a few unpleasant human tendencies. One is the tendency we have to elevate some and ignore others. We can equate the word of some people with His word…what they say must be from God. At the same time, we refuse to listen to the words of someone else for some reason or another…what they say cannot be from God So, if God is attempting to speak to me through that person, I won’t recognize His voice. We also have a tendency to grow dependent upon others to hear from Him and it can quickly become the only means of hearing His voice.
He also speaks directly to the spirit within us. It could be a still, small voice….or loud, accompanied by our hearts beating out of our chests. It could be a sense….a picture….a vision….or a dream. So, it’s easy to see how one could mistake His voice in this manner. That still, small voice could be my own desire or hope. A sense, picture or dream may come from my own imagination. I may hear a still, small voice and, on its heels, a louder voice accompanied by my heart beating furiously. Which is His voice and which is the enemy trying to distract me or keep me from action? Unfortunately, some times I don’t know until after I’ve obeyed.
I know His voice is the only compass I can trust. I need to heed His voice and follow where He directs. If this is not my compass, my efforts are worthless even at their best. But, more sobering is the realization that if His voice is not the One directing me, my words or actions could be the strong gust of wind that causes a brother or sister to become disoriented and pull in their sails.
So…that’s where I am….sitting motionless in the water and not exactly enjoying it at the moment…hesitant and uncertain about what is on the horizon….the course He has determined for me. I’m at that point when I need to unfurl my sails again. I know this, but….
“But, Papa, I need to know it is indeed Your voice I am heeding….that I am reading the compass right. I’ll go wherever You want me to go if I am confident it is indeed You leading me.”
“Trust Me, child. Your ability to read the compass grows more while sailing than sitting motionless. Unfurl those sails.”