The day I realized my husband was an egalitarian

I should have realized it long ago…I should have recognized the signs. But I didn’t. I suppose I was so lost in my own ideas that I didn’t notice. My husband and I were both raised in complementarian or patriarchal homes. Both of us were taught that the man was the head of the home, the priest and leader of the family, and that the woman was to submit to his leadership. He was wise to take her counsel, but the ultimate decision lay with him. If he like her advice, he could change his mind. But, if not, he didn’t have to. He, as the man, made the final decision. And the wife submitted. That’s what we were taught.

Soon after our 8th anniversary, we began homeschooling our children. The homeschooling community is, by and large, staunchly patriarchal. I threw myself into the whole scene. Women were to be raised to be keepers at home…no careers for my daughters. (I still remember my 5 year old daughter throwing herself on the couch in tears when she realized I didn’t support her desire to become a doctor.) A woman was to do her utmost to make her home a palace fit for a king…the king being her husband. 

I failed miserably….and began dying inside. I could not measure up to the expectations that patriarchy placed upon me…that I placed upon myself.

During this time, I was staunchly against women in any type of leadership, particularly in the church. I even wondered at what point was it unbiblical for me to teach my own sons. I wrestled with the hypothetical dilemma of voting between a male Democrat and a female Republican. On one homeschool social media site, I argued vehemently with a gentleman(oh, the irony) that women should not preach….the Bible was clear on it.


Soon after this…I saw the first sign. I was discussing women in the pulpit with my husband. He thought it ridiculous that women could share on a topic behind a podium on a Sunday evening…or another weekday. But, she could not deliver the same topic behind the pulpit on a Sunday morning. I argued with him…the pulpit is different…it’s holier somehow. He wasn’t convinced. To him, it revealed the absurdity of manmade rules. “It’s a sermon…she’s preaching…she’s teaching men. If it’s ok in the one…it’s ok in the other.”


We agreed to disagree and I continued my journey into patriarchy…though I never sunk deeply into it. I became more of a complementarian, though today I see little difference. What I didn’t realize is that my husband was discouraged by my journey. He felt like we were heading in two opposite directions. I thought this was what he wanted…what all men wanted…a submissive wife who took good care of him, his children, and his home! He didn’t like what was happening inside the soul of his wife…and the whole system did not sit well with him. He wanted a wife who was equal to him…not under him.

Later, as I got involved in ministry outside the home…I felt guilty…like I was leaving my God-given responsibilities to my husband. He held down the fort while I went off doing ministry.  This was not the way things were supposed to be!! I’m supposed to hold down the fort while he does ministry. I’m supposed to stay home with the kids, not him. Yet, he delighted in seeing his wife blossom and develop her gifts. His wife was coming alive again! As I wrestled with ministry and family and my entrenched belief system, I began reading about women in ministry. And I was coming face to face with the errors of patriarchy. I felt my soul leaping…but….what about…how was my husband going to respond to this change of heart?

One of the first books I read was “Powerful and Free” by Danny Silk. In this book, Danny described some of his wife’s sentiments. There were two things Sheri said that resonated deeply in my heart. One was like a firebrand that went straight to the wounds of my soul. While the church appreciated her gifts, she felt that her personality was not appreciated. I absolutely knew that feeling. It was great that I was willing to teach Sunday School…but my personality needed restraining. “We need you to do this that or the other…it’s perfect for you…but could you tone it down…have a little less passion, maybe? Do you have to be so headstrong?” I had always felt like my personality was tolerated; I was convinced my husband was embarrassed of me….because of my personality.


The other thing Sheri said that resonated was that she was uncomfortable with Danny having absolute veto power. Absolute veto power means that, in the process of making a decision, the husband can choose whether or not to seek or follow his wife’s counsel. A wise husband will be very careful to not make too many decisions about matters on which they disagree. But, it is still in his power to decide if he will listen to her  and change his mind, wait until further discussion and agreement, or go ahead and make the decision without her agreement.


I shared the same discomfort with my husband. It didn’t feel right to me. What value was there in my opinion anyway if he could veto it anytime he wanted??!! He had no clue what I was talking about. 


“Absolute veto power? I don’t have absolute veto power.”


“Yes you do. You can decide if you’ll follow my ideas or your own. You get to be the one who decides if my advice is worthy of following. You get to choose whether it’s my way or your way. I don’t have that choice. You have the veto power on any decision. You get to make executive orders that I have to follow. I don’t have that power.”


That didn’t describe our marriage to him. It was the marriage I had tried to create, not him. He would never consider making a decision on which we did not agree. On that day, I realized I had married an egalitarian…a man who truly believed in gender equality. He wanted me to have equal say in decisions. If we couldn’t come to an agreement, one of us…and not always the same one…would defer. I would defer to him or he would defer to me. To be honest, he’s probably the one who defers more often. There are times I lead…and times he leads; situations in which I submit…and those in which he submits; decisions I make…decisions he makes…decisions we make.


Then I realized the signs along the way. My husband was an egalitarian. He had always been an egalitarian. Patriarchy did not sit well with him. That’s why my journey into it felt like it was leading me away from him. But, I didn’t realize how my journey was making him feel as a husband.


It’s obvious that patriarchy demands certain things of women and I was not that woman. But, I have come to realize that it also demands certain things of men…and my husband was not that type. He leads, don’t get me wrong…but as a servant and co-leader…not as one with final authority. During my entire journey into patriarchy, he felt like he was not the man I wanted or needed him to be. He didn’t have a big vision…or goals…or dreams…or mission..that I could get behind and support. Patriarcy…and complementarianism…forced both of us into boxes in which we did not fit.

Now..I’m the one with dreams and goals and visions…and he supports me. It’s what he lives for. He has been 100% behind me in every step. He is my biggest fan. He encourages me in my studies. When I feel like quitting because it feels selfish to take so much time away from family, or because the house is always a mess, he’s the one who encourages me to keep going…reminding me of why I started. He enjoys my verbal processing of what I’m learning. He came alongside me in ministry, both by becoming a Sozo minister and volunteering with Code Purple. He heartily supports my desire to preach and loves to hear me preach. He also critiques my preaching and teaching, helping me improve. If the day ever comes when I pastor a church, he will be as glad to see that as I will be. 

It took awhile…egalitarianism is such a loaded term…with lots of negative baggage. But, after years of doing my own thing….I finally submitted to my husband’s leadership…and became an egalitarian. 😏


And he loves my personality.

One Comment

  1. This is beautiful, Tammi. I can relate as the husband of a similarly headstrong and intelligent woman (compliment intended). It seems our family was somewhat "undercover egalitarians", as I always saw Sarah and I as equals, and never thought of myself as having "veto power", though I felt the weight of it in retrospect. Fixing it, I thought, would be easy – just treat my wife (and women) with respect and ask for their input. But I never realized all the underlying hurt, disempowerment, and shame that came from the language of incorrectly understood "headship". We uncover these wounds each day, try to put salve on them, allow them to heal, while also moving forward trying to callous. Your story is healing, and I pray will start to peel back other bandages covering wounds as well.

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