Confronting a narcissist is not for the faint of heart, partly because of the narcissist and partly because of the system surrounding him. The traits of a narcissist typically mean that any confrontation will be incredibly difficult, exhausting and often futile. Imagine confronting someone who lacks any empathy or understanding for how you’ve experienced him, and can change the narrative quickly, easily and often. Making the process even more difficult is the fact that the number one rule in the narcissist’s game is “The best self-justification wins.”(1) You get drawn into a seemingly endless cycle of explaining and justifying….and that’s a game you will never win with a narcissist. Just like the narrative changes, the self-justification changes as you continue the process. This all becomes incredibly confusing as you seek to sort out truth from error, explain your thoughts and feelings, stay true to yourself and experience yet be open to input, and so on. Confrontation is difficult when both parties desire resolution, but nearly impossible when one party is primarily concerned with with self-preservation…or at least preserving the image they’ve worked so hard to maintain.
Matthew 18:15-18 is considered the only appropriate means of confrontation in the church.
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have one them over. But, if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
First of all, this is describing the process of confronting a layperson within the congregation, but I’ve been talking about leaders. When confronting a leader who is in sin, he is to be confronted publicly with several witnesses(1 Tim. 5:20). Unfortunately, with a narcissist, the process outlined in Matthew 18 usually opens the door for more emotional abuse and gaslighting. They were too sensitive, or too emotional, or just wanted to complain, making mountains out of molehills, etc. Confusion mounts as narratives change. It also provides more fuel to slander or isolate his victim. No one has witnessed the original interaction so he can present it however he wishes, or change what he said when others become involved. The victim is then blamed for not being willing to reconcile when their unwillingness has nothing to do with a desire or lack thereof of reconciliation but very much a desire to avoid being gaslighting and emotionally manipulated anymore.
Because the narcissist believes he is never to blame, he will usually project blame onto the one confronting him, or another scapegoat. He doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions so he cannot be at fault. Combined with their insatiable need for affirmation and intolerance for anything but praise, even loving confrontation will rouse his ire; he will likely blame the one confronting him either for his act of confrontation or he shouldn’t have confronted him in such an angry tone.
Narcissists are incapable of understanding their need for repentance because their reality is based upon an image of themselves, not their actual selves. This is what makes narcissism nearly impossible to treat….they see absolutely no need to change anything. Even if they do, narcissists are unable to change any aspect of themselves for fear of losing their sense of self. “The narcissist is like a person wearing layers and layers of expensive clothing, clothes of approval and affirmation and grandness and specialness. He believes the clothes are the man…without the clothes, there is no man. If you remove the clothes, as far as he’s concerned, he will literally disappear. So if you come along and suggest he take a coat off because he’s hurting people with that coat…he will wrap it more tightly around imself. If you manage to get it off, he’ll go get more. Because he believes you are stripping him naked, not of externals, but what he believes are essentials to the self. From his perspective, to take the clothes is to take the man, to completely obliterate him.”(2)
Narcissists are consummate repenters once they realize that all other tactics have been exhausted and the fragile image of themselves is threatened. At that point, they turn on the tears and draw a person into believing their remorse and repentance are real but the fruit of repentance is not forthcoming. Their apologies generally lack any acknowledgement of the devastation caused by their actions but are filled with how they have been affected or misunderstood, for the mistaken feelings of others rather than their own wrongdoing….with a good dose of self-justification. This combination of fake repentance, lying, scapegoating, lack of ownership, and self-justification render the confrontation process nearly impossible. Diane Langberg explains that, “Usually only one or a few individuals are willing to confront the narcissist because they are good at creating very compliant sheep around him that don’t see what’s around them nor know how to confront it. The system then will likely rise up to protect the leader that’s hurting them rather than listen to the truth.”(3)
This is what makes this process even more difficult—confronting the narcissist is also a threat to the entire system they’ve created and this system will now seek to protect both the narcissist and itself. Czech president, Vaclav Havel, describes this dynamic in his essay “The Power of the Powerless.” He writes that when someone within the system, a hypothetical greengrocer in his essay, decides he is no longer willing to keep up all appearances or do and say things to ingratiate himself, he has now become a threat to the system. “In this revolt, the greengrocer steps out of living within the lie. He rejects the ritual and breaks the rules of the game. He discovers once more his suppressed identity and dignity. He gives his freedom a concrete significance. His revolt is an attempt to live within the truth.” The system will respond by punishing those who threaten it. The punishment they mete out is not founded upon inner conviction but from pressure to keep up the appearance, the same pressure the individual once succumbed to. They will do this either because it is expected of them, or to demonstrate their loyalty. The dissenter, who has now threatened the system, will be spit out. Havel goes on to say, “By breaking the rules of the game, he has disrupted the game as such. He has exposed it as a mere game. He has shattered the world of appearances, the fundamental pillar of the system. He has upset the power structure by tearing apart what holds it together. He has broken through the exalted facade of the system and exposed the real, base foundations of power. He has said that the emperor is naked.(4) The system cannot tolerate this exposure. The narcissistic system cannot coexist with living in the truth. And they will castigate anyone who dares to suggest they are living a lie. The narcissist pastor often will have no need to do this himself because the system will rise up and do it for him.
One can only imagine the havoc this creates in a congregation. Those who confront the pastor soon find themselves alienated and punished by the congregation they are seeking to protect. Chasms that have already opened because of the traits of the narcissistic pastor now become wider. Throughout this process, the congregation can still talk the talk, but are incapable of walking the talk because they have usually abdicated their power and are blind to the behavioral patterns of the pastor, or their own complicity. They now believe the lie and live the lie; they accept the reality the narcissitic pastor has constructed.
Dr. Langberg explains that it’s far better, more effective to build an alliance and ask questions to understand. “I notice you wear this coat a lot. Tell me about it. It seems really important to you. Why is that? Have you ever not had that coat? What do you think it would be like without it?” Eventually you are able to ask the narcissist how other people feel about that coat. She acknowledges, “Intervention is difficult. It’s not always possible, doesn’t always work. But if you’re going to do it, you have to go in by the back door.”(4) He may slam that door shut in your face, but he will have been given a choice. Sometimes the choosing runs so deep and has gone on for so long that we literally lose our capacity to choose another way. Sometimes the constructed false reality has become so strong that the narcissist loses his capacity to choose the true reality.
Because confrontation and intervention are so difficult and with little hope of success, the best option is to weed them out before they are given leadership over a congregation. Requiring psychological evaluations of pastoral candidates can help with this process. Puls argues that “all seminary and Bible school faculty and administrators should be trained to recognize narcissistic behavior when they see it and that there should be an ongoing assessment of the student’s emotional health.”(6) He then outlines suggestions for churches to use during the interview process that will continue to winnow out narcissistic candidates though no system is foolproof. These suggestions include paying close attention to how the candidate talks of his past ministry assignments and any written correspondence. Narcissists are particularly adept at spinning any narrative to their advantage, drawing you into their story so you believe he was unfairly treated; they use a lot of “I” statements and hyperbolic language that exaggerates their importance, accomplishments and leadership qualities.(7)
If we have any hope of protecting the church from abusive leaders, we need to become aware of the reality and scope of the problem of narcissistic pastors and become educated on their typical behavior patterns. We also must have the wisdom and discernment to prevent those with strong narcissistic tendencies from being accepted into pastoral ministry as well as the courage to confront those that already have leadership positions.
NOTE: This is part 4 of an essay written for my Pastoral Leadership course. Because of its length, I have divided it into 4 blog posts.
ENDNOTES:
1. Wilder, E. James. 2018. The Pandora Problem: Facing Narcissism in Leaders and Ourselves.(Carmel, IN: Deeper Walk, Int’l). p. 38.
2. Diane Langberg, “Narcissism and the Systems It Breeds,” lecture for the Forum of Christian Leaders, video, 1:05:52, published May 5, 2016, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BU3pwBa0qU&t=23s
3. Ibid.
4. Havel, Vaclav. 1978. https://www.nonviolent-conflict.org/wp-content/uploads/1979/01/the-power-of-the-powerless.pdf, Sec. VII, p. 18-20.
5. Diane Langberg, “Narcissism and the Systems It Breeds,” lecture for the Forum of Christian Leaders, video, 1:05:52, published May 5, 2016, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BU3pwBa0qU&t=23s
6. Puls, Darrell. 2020. Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissistic Pastors and What We Can Do About It(Eugene, OR:
Cascade books, p. 192.
7. Ibid, p. 194-196.