There are times when a sermon simply speaks right where you are or have recently been. It’s raw. It’s vulnerable. It’s powerful. And, the speaker is speaking from where God has brought him or where he still is. And….it’s raw….it’s vulnerable….it’s powerful. Such was yesterday’s sermon. The passage was Psalm 13. How many people identify, at some point in their lives, with the psalmist’s cry, “How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” How LONG!!! HOW LONG, LORD!!!! I could feel….sense….knew….people were identifying with that cry.
We have 3 choices when we are in that wilderness: 1) Give up on God. 2) Believe He exists, but isn’t loving or doesn’t intervene in men’s lives. Or, 3) Fall on their feet and worship the One who gave up everything for someone who had nothing to give in return.
It brought back so vividly my journey of the last number of years. My quest, you might say. It started with a simple, little story that grabbed me. A story of a young man who wanted to know God…really know God. So, he went to a rabbi. The rabbi,without a word, immediately took the young man into a lake to a depth of the man’s shoulders. Then….he shoved him under. The man struggled to get free and grab some air….and was shoved under again. This was repeated over and over until the man began to fight desperately to stay alive….he would gasp lungfuls of air when his head was above water, only to be shoved back down. Finally, the rabbi stopped shoving him under. “Young man, when you long for God….when you are desperate for Him the way you were desperate for air….you WILL find Him.”
After reading the story, I stated a simple sentence that I never realized would send me into the wilderness: “I would kinda like to be that desperate for God. I don’t want to wait until circumstances around me(pain, death, suffering, etc) drive me to Him.” I had this gnawing sense that there was little intimacy between myself and my Maker. And, the desire to know Him grew. I wanted to know the steps I took were directed by Him and not of my own choosing. And grew some more. When I prayed for another, I wanted my words to echo His desire for them, not just be empty words formed into a prayer. And grew even more. When I encouraged or counseled, I wanted it to be His words, not my own. All the while this longing grew, the phone line to heaven seemed disconnected. “I’m sorry, but the number you have reached is unavailable Please check the number and dial again.”
And, desperation began setting in. I grew weary of hearing others’ stories of how God spoke to them. When a friend, my husband, or sister or mom would share how God was speaking to them or a special time they had with Him, I began to get angry-like a spurned child who repeatedly hears of the favored child’s adventures with Dad. I wanted to shout at whomever was speaking to shut up! I was tired of longing for what they had. And, the hurt and desperation grew. Heaven was silent. I felt alone.
It grew intensely one summer as I tried to help guide, mentor and love 2 teenage girls. I cared so much about them-still do-and spent so much time praying for them….and picking them up after various escapades. I remember vividly one evening after nightfall, walking outside, crying my heart out, weeping before God, pleading with some word from Him to give them that would pierce their hearts. Nothing came. Heaven was silent….again.
The pain of God’s silence tore me to shreds when I suffered a miscarriage after 6 years of praying for another child. My 6th miscarriage. I begged God–not for the child’s life–but to feel His presence in the midst of that disappointment and pain. But, again, God was silent. Deafeningly silent. There was no leaning on the everlasting arms for me that day.
I went to a prayer meeting at the Brooklyn Tabernacle. I decided to skip supper and spend that time at the church praying. For over 30 minutes, I wept at the altar there, pleading and pleading with God to reveal Himself to me. I longed more than anything to feel some tiny scrap of His presence…..But…heaven was silent….again.
I hit bottom, when after finally making an appointment with a counselor, I arrived for my appointment to discover the office locked. Somehow, through some glitch, they were told I canceled. I thought, “That’s exactly how God comes through for me. For many, a glitch is waht gives them what they need at the right moment. But, for me, God, you use a glitch to steal what remaining glimmer of hope I had.” I felt that God had totally abandoned me. I was on the verge of choice #2. God is real, but is unloving and doesn’t intervene in my life.
I did finally get another appointment and after several, began to get the distinct feeling that something between us wasn’t connecting. Our words were passing each other by, like we were in two separate worlds or bubbles, and though were were speaking, we weren’t really hearing each other. I cried the entire way home and realized—like I did when I was 6 years old–I was totally on my own. I had not other recourse. God was not only silent Himself, he was not speaking to me through His child either. I had never felt so alone….abandoned in my life. But, there was something I knew now that I didn’t realize as a child, I CAN’T DO IT ALONE!!! I cried for hours. Butch had no idea what to do with his wife…normally so stoic….now reduced to tears and unrealistic demands on him. I remember saying, “I know I’m being unreasonable….I know you don’t understand. I don’t understand what’s going on completely either. But, can you love me anyway?”
At one time, I lay on the bathroom floor, curled up in a ball weeping harder than I had ever wept in my life. Suddenly, without explanation, it completely lifted. I willingly attribute that to God’s intervention. It was like He knew I had had enough….al I could handle right then. But, it was like a small break in the clouds after months of storms and with more storms on the horizon. And, I didn’t think I could make it through the next storms.
Around this time, someone shared in church how they had prayed that God would reveal His love to them. God answered that prayer THAT DAY!!! I wanted to get up and shout…and did later, at home, “Wait a minute, God! I’ve been praying that same prayer for years with absolutely no answer….only a deafening silence from You. And this person prays it and you answer that very same day???!!!”
I was in a wilderness…..alone….and abandoned by God. He was not answering my cries for Him. They were not selfish prayers. They were prayers to simply reveal Himself….His presence in my life. The song of my life during this time was, “I waited for You today, but You didn’t show. I needed You today, so where did You go? You told me to call…said You’d be there. Though I haven’t seen You, are You still there? I cried out with no reply and I can’t feel You by my side.”
My heart was crying out like the psalmist, “How long, God? How long will you hide Your face from me? How long?? HOW long??? How LONG??? HOW LONG, GOD!! I can’t go on any longer without Your presence, yet you are hiding from me. HOW MUCH LONGER????”
Now, I have a firm conviction that no matter what I am experiecing, the following 3 things are true: 1) Someone else HAS experienced it before. 2) Someone else IS experiencing it now. And, 3) Someone else WILL experience it in the future. There are others who will read this…just like there were others listening to the sermon…that what is described is your story…in the wilderness…alone and abandoned. Many of you can echo those same cries, “Why are You so silent? How long will You hide from me? HOW LONG???” A number will choose choice #1 and give up on God. Many simply fail to be honest with their true feelings and paint a picture that all is well. They are afraid to ask the questions that eat away at their souls. Some even believe it’s a sin to question God in this manner. And, they all smile and make everyone think they’re happy. Which choice will you make?
During that time, I still held tight to one thing, “You’re here….and I’m never alone.”
God did not remain silent forever. And, when He broke His silence, I was blown away. Stay tuned.