I read a recent blog post about girls growing up being told they are too boisterous, too loud, etc. It resonated so much with me. I remember so keenly the feeling of being forced into a box…..or like a square peg being pounded into a round hole. One time, I likened my life to a Whack-A-Mole game…every time a part popped out…WHAM!! I knew what it felt like try so valiantly to become the person everyone expected you to be. And, I remember keenly what it felt like to finally be free from that box!
But…I also see inside me…that same box. I’ve tried so hard to fit into that box that, even when freed from it….I have this voice inside saying, “Get in that box! It’s where you belong!” When we spend years of our lives being told we need to fit into a certain box, it takes a long time to believe it’s not where you belong.
But…I’m not the only one squeezed into someone’s box. Women who are loud, boisterous, assertive, talkative…aren’t the only ones squeezed into boxes. I’m learning that as I talk with people…as I live life with people….we all are desperately trying to get out of boxes that confine us….we are desperately trying to shed the stereotypes and learn who we are….and like the way we are made.
When I got married, we both grew up and lived in a complementarian community. I was keenly aware of the box I was to fit into…I wasn’t so keenly aware of the box that was built for my husband…or that he also didn’t feel like he fit in that box. It always made him feel like he should be more of a leader…have more vision….have goals and plans so I could get behind him and support him. I felt like I wasn’t a godly woman….he felt like he wasn’t a godly man. I felt like I was too much….he felt like he wasn’t enough. Because of a box created by man.
Now that we realize how we’re wired…there are some areas in which I take the lead and some areas in which he takes the lead. I’m the one with goals, plans and visions for what I want to do…he is quite content to support me in achieving those goals. I forego my day if he needs another person to drive tractor or run some errands…he holds down the fort when I am gone for a training or mission trip. Some areas he decides without consulting me….some areas I decide without consulting him…and some areas we talk about before making a decision. But, in our decision making we each have equal say…and defer to the other readily.
I struggled all my life with what I envisioned a godly wife and mother looked like. I envied those who had those qualities naturally and abundantly. But, as I got to know them…I realized they too, had a box they felt squeezed into. They wished they could speak their mind more readily…had more confidence. People acted shocked if they spoke up…in a way that silenced them again. There are so many boxes and stereotypes we force upon people.
Friendly, outgoing women are seen as flirtatious; quiet, more reserved women are seen as stuck-up.
Extroverted women are seen as talkative and always have to speak their mind; introverted women are seen as not having anything to say.
Talkative women promise themselves they will not say anything this time….women who are less verbose promise themselves they will talk with people this time.
“Quiet down!” “Speak up!”
“Do you always have to hog the conversation?” “Don’t you ever have something to contribute to the conversation?”
“You always have to be the center of attention!” “You like to hide out in the corner!”
“You’re bossy!” “You’re mousy!”
I’m tired of boxes…those I’ve been forced into…and those I’ve forced others into. I think we do this subtly. In our conversations, we define, label, and categorize people. That’s normal and ok…to a point. But, we need to relate to people in ways that gives them freedom to be who they are….not the label, category, or definition applied to them. We need to be aware of the ways we are defining confining people
“The apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree now, does it?”
“You’re just like your mom.”
Our words confine people to boxes they might be seeking to be rid of. Not long ago, I was awakened to the way I talk with people that, contrary to my intention, could reinforce the box they may feel confined to…
“You’d be more likely to _____________” rather than, “What would you do in that situation?”
“I bet you feel _______________” rather than, “How does that make you feel?”
I’m passionate about freedom. Freedom from boxes and stereotypes is one kind of freedom. You are free to be you…the way He designed you to be.
Let’s get rid of our boxes…and help others get rid of theirs!