Well…..it happened. It hasn’t happened for quite a while. I’ve actually been free of it for a very long time….but I lost my temper the other day. After a full day of kids fussing whenever I gave them something to do, one of them asked a question that I perceived was more accusatory in tone. And, I lost it. I thought of the enemy chuckling somewhere….I thought of several acquaintances who are waiting for me to fail to prove all I stand for means nothing. But one thing that normally would have come to my mind, but didn’t, was that I was a failure…..a fake….that nothing really had changed. This time, losing my temper didn’t determine who I was.
I went to a room by myself to think about what just happened…..what brought it on…..what I could have done different. I finally laid my head down in my arms and wept…..and vented to the One person who was listening.
I’m tired of kids grumbling….
I’m tired of questions that are really accusations…
I’m tired of being accused of things I didn’t do while others are doing those very things to me and no one bothers with them…
I’m tired of being told not to do things I wouldn’t even think to do….while others think nothing of doing those things to me…
I’m tired of trying desperately to be gracious in my words only to have them twisted and used against me anyway….
I’m tired of drawing near to those who are pushing me away…..
I’m tired of not being believed by those who have known me for several decades….
I’m tired of surrendering the argumentative side of me only to be accused of it anyway….
I’m tired of doing everything possible to not burn any bridges only to have others come along and burn them anyway…
I’m tired of being vulnerable….
I’m tired of being maligned…
I’m tired of hurting…
And, then, a still small voice spoke to my spirit:
“So, basically, you’re tired of becoming like Jesus? Already? I thought that was your prayer.”
I wiped my tears away…..picked myself up….and stepped out of the room.