It was such a heavy day….well, actually the entire weekend was filled with heaviness. I had picked open a wound that had been healing well and the pain came back with full force. By the end of the weekend, I was ready to curl up in a ball and cry until I was emptied of tears. Monday dawned much clearer…..at first. But, not very far into the day, the pain of the weekend….and the wounding came to my mind…..again.
Unlike some people who withdraw when wounded, I attack. When hurt, I default to anger because it feels safer to me. Within 15 minutes, I had a pile of swords at the ready, all to aim at the heart of one person…the one who had wounded me. I was like Frodo poised to kill Sam, sword drawn and ready to strike. Suddenly, I came to my senses, filled with disbelief and sorrow at what I was considering. “What have I done? How did I get to this point? Where did these swords come from?” I care about this person….deeply. Yet here I was, poised to attack. “What am I doing?” And, like Frodo, I found myself stumbling backward, dropping the sword in my hand, muttering, “I can’t do this!”
“Papa, this is not who I am…it is not what I want. I want to love like You love. You laid down Your life for those who wanted nothing to do with You….who hated You. Surely I can lay down these swords and never pick them up again. Fill me with Your love until these swords fill me with disgust. I am tethered by their weight and want freedom. I want the freedom to walk in relationships with everyone, including those who have wounded me. I don’t want the bondage that comes with fear….fear of being hurt and the fear of picking up those swords. I want the freedom to soar to the heights You have planned for me. I don’t want to be tethered by wounds, offenses and my reactions.”
You know, He always knows when we are most desperate or have had our fill…and comes at that moment to deliver us. Like the eagles that bore Frodo and Sam from Mt. Doom to Rivendell, He transported to a place of love, trust and peace which enabled me to let go of the swords once again.
Then, as if that weren’t enough, He gave me a dream. A recurring dream that seems to come on those nights I go to bed hurting. It’s about a young lady in a stressful situation….threatened….hurting….angry…feeling hopeless. In desperation, she runs from the source of her pain to a beach, throwing herself on a rock and weeps. A man comes alongside her, gathers her in his arms and introduces her to Jesus. She cries herself to sleep….and, in those arms, sleeps the night away.
Freedom….it only comes when I let go…..of swords….of anger…of hurt…..of bitterness…and yes, even of expectations I have of others. When we expect certain things from a person or a relationship and don’t receive it, we are hurt. That hurt can then tether us with its weight. Letting go of the hurt and offense brings freedom.
Freedom only comes when I let go.
Freedom to live dangerously, without reservation.
Freedom to give freely, without strings.
Freedom to love unconditionally, without reciprocation.
Yes, freedom only comes when I let go.
You know something? Freedom feels really good!