There are times in a relationship when something happens or is said/unsaid that leaves one feeling like the other is thinking or believing something about you that is unsettling. Finally, because you value the friendship, you work up the courage to lay it on the table. It’s a vulnerable place to be….you’ve just exposed something about yourself. Then, in some relationships, comes that awkward moment when that admission is met with silence. You say to your husband that you feel like he’d rather spend his spare time with someone else or doing something else….and he doesn’t answer….doesn’t deny nor confirm it. Or, you confess to your friend that you’re feeling like maybe she is upset with you….she seems to be ignoring you…..and she doesn’t answer…..doesn’t deny nor confirm it. It leaves you feeling kinda like it must be true….whether or not it actually is.
At those times, I’d much rather the person admit that it is true if it is. It’s the silence that makes one feel greater rejection from the person. And, rejection is the most painful part of any relationship. I’ve had that very thing happen 3 times in one relationship in the past 8 months or so. It was compounded by criticism I received in each encounter. So, I got to the point that I avoided initiating any contact with that person. I was not going to risk any further rejection. I had opened myself up several times…..laying it all out how I was feeling…..and the only response was silence. So, I decided-with that person anyway-not to open myself up again. Rejection can eat away at the heart. I couldn’t talk about any of these encounters without fighting tears, sadness and the feeling of having a wound ripped open.
And at that point, I began reading books from a friend’s recommended reading list. (I’ll not put the man on a pedestal, but I believe he’s the closest imitation to Jesus Christ that I have met.) The book he recommended? Dealing with the Rejection and Praise of Man by Bob Sorge. It should be required leading for anyone involved, or considering being involved, in any ministry. So that basically means any believer. I don’t believe any of us can reach the fullest potential that God has for us if we haven’t learned how to respond to rejection and praise of men. These two are intricately linked together. If we learn how to deal with the one, it will take care of the other. If we are not energized by the praise of men…..we will not be sidelined by the rejection of men. If we are not built up by the praise of men….we will not be torn down by the rejection of men. If we are not fed by the praise of men…..we are not wounded by the rejection of men.
We will face rejection. In fact, I believe it is a vital ingredient in our training. Jesus faced it. Jeremiah and all the prophets. David did-even from his own sons! Paul…Peter. Everyone who was used mightily of God faced rejection at various times in his life. If we allow it, rejection can drive us into the place of finding and depending upon God. When we begin to view rejection as a gift from God to keep our hearts pliable and dependent upon Him, we gain a new freedom in relating to people.
When people reject you, but you are fueled on the inside with the profound affections of your Father for you, they you’re able to give yourself to your fellow man in love regardless of how he treats you.
There are a number of reasons we suffer rejection. Sometimes we simply have our feelers out too often or too far. At those times, we simply feel rejection because we are being too sensitive. The other person was not rejecting us; we simply felt rejection. This can be manipulative if we allow it to persist too long. We will not be able to receive any correction or counsel that doesn’t feel good. It will be misinterpreted as rejection.Often, we experience rejection because people are fallible…they make mistakes….they mis-speak at times….they react too harshly or strongly. But the main reason we suffer rejection is when we look for someone’s acceptance and we don’t get it.
Rejection is the result of looking for man’s acceptance but not finding it.
That’s why I felt rejection in the relationship I referred to in the beginning. I wanted the acceptance of a man and didn’t get it. I was looking for acceptance from a person and didn’t find it and I felt rejected.
When I yearn for your acceptance, I open myself to your rejection. When we hope for man’s acceptance, we make ourselves vulnerable to man’s rejection.
This doesn’t mean we respond by not making ourselves vulnerable…or refusing to open ourselves up. No! We must decide that from this point on we will look to no one for acceptance except our heavenly Father!!! When I meditate on the acceptance of my Heavenly Father, the acceptance of man vanishes. I have no need of it. It has brought tremendous healing in my heart as I think on the encounters mentioned above. I don’t need this person to think well of me….I don’t need his acceptance….or praise. I am completely, totally accepted by Papa. I need not look anywhere else for acceptance.
I remember vividly feeling the most intense pleasure from Him some time ago and hearing His voice tell me that I had done well. I was sitting in church, but my spirit was far away being fed by His pleasure and acceptance. Whew! It drove any rejection or fear of man into the far recesses of my mind and heart! That is what we must desire and live for-His pleasure, His acceptance.
What are some important keys to dealing with rejection?
First, we must extend total forgiveness to those who have wronged us. Jesus modeled the perfect forgiveness when he prayed,
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” Lk 23:34
I often feel like I’m doing good enough to forgive them. You know, in the back of your mind you’re thinking they’ll get their just desserts from Him. But, Jesus prayed that God not hold their sin against them. Stephen prayed a similar prayer in Acts:
“Lord, do not charge them with this sin.”
True forgiveness releases the other from the judgment of their sin. It pleads with God to not hold their sin against them.
When you release your offenders from the judgment of their sin, you break the power of unforgiveness and find a new release to relate in freedom to others who sin against you.
The next step is accepting God’s love for you. We must be absolutely convinced of God’s passionate, relentless, irrevocable love for us!
Until you are established on the inside in the love of God, you will always be susceptible to rejection’s woundings.
The third step is the profound realization that the only acceptance I need is God’s. When He accepts me, I need no other acceptance. Oh, it’s nice….but it’s not necessary nor needful. This does not mean having an independent spirit. We are to be inter-dependent upon each other…for encouragement, wisdom, perspective, prayer, counsel, etc. But….not for our source of acceptance!!
I’m convinced this is one of the greatest challenges of Christian maturity: to make myself vulnerable to your kindness and affection, while not allowing myself to be penetrated by your rejection.
Rejection can sting….but it need not wound. It did not wound Jesus. When we look at the life of Jesus, it is easy to think that maybe He was thick-skinned because it seemed that nothing could penetrate Him or rattle Him. But, in reality, Jesus was untouched by rejection because He was untouched by acceptance.
Man’s rejections never penetrated His soul because He didn’t allow man’s praises to feed His soul.
We absolutely must find our complete identity in the acceptance of our Papa. He defines who we are not our fellow man! He accepts us…..so it need not matter if men don’t.
When we are no longer inflated by others’ acceptance, we’ll no longer be deflated by their rejection.
So, ask yourself:
Do I seek acceptance from man?
When people complement me, does it strengthen my sense of self-worth and self-fulfillment?
Do I feed off the praise of man?
We can close the door to receiving man’s rejection by closing the door to receiving man’s acceptance and praise.
So, how do I close that door? Next time…..