There’s a lot of brokenness in this world…a lot of broken people. In fact, I wouldn’t be far off to say that every person has some degree of brokenness. Everyone has wounds that fester…wounds that need healing. We develop means of coping with those wounds…we limp through life or keep it bandaged so no one will see. These coping mechanisms enable us to function in society and in relationships. We are quite familiar with our own coping mechanisms; they seem normal to us. But the coping mechanisms of others are foreign and sometimes causes us or them to withdraw.
Some people who have been wounded become like porcupines when threatened. They may scurry away at first, but if you pursue them, you will have a painful reminder of your encounter with the person. It is far safer for them to hurt you than to risk being hurt again. Plus, it gives them a “reason” for the rejection they expect to experience from you.
Others are more like armadillos. They curl up, forming a hard exterior that protects their vulnerable inside. They aren’t as prickly as porcupines, nor do they attack. But, you will not get past their impenetrable exterior. Still others act more like a turtle when threatened. They quickly shrink inside their shell and will not come out no matter despite coaxing. They are present, but inaccessible.
These are not the only coping mechanism, but are a fair representation of the majority of means that people use to cope with wounds and brokenness.
This world…filled with brokenness…needs a place…and people…that are safe…where they can pull off the bandage from their gangrenous wounds without someone passing out, gagging, or responding with shock, but where someone will take a look at it and simply say, “Wow, I’m sure that hurts. Let me help you with that.” I believe…I trust…that most, if not all, of us want to be that kind of person…we want a church that is safe for people to take off their masks, expose their wounds…and be able to heal. We just don’t always know how to do it….and our own wounds make it difficult as well.
During the Middle Ages, childbirth had an extremely high death rate. Doctors had the best intentions, but were losing women at an alarming rate. They were unaware that microscopic germs they picked up at the morgue were being transferred to the women resulting in their deaths. Once they learned it, simply washing their hands between the morgue and the maternity ward caused a dramatic drop in the number of women dying. In creating a safe place for people to heal, it behooves us to understand what we might be doing that is actually wounding people rather than bring healing.
We understand the power of our words and have heard many messages about gossip and slander. Our words have such power to wound. But, there are other conversations we have in which we are not truly engaging in slander or gossip because we are not talking about a specific person. We are merely expressing our view about a group of people in a way that can be hurtful. Are our conversations such that anyone could hear and still feel safe and accepted? Would our conversations when speaking “to the choir” be of such a spirit that anyone struggling with the very thing we are talking about would feel like the door is open to come to us? In your private conversations, or with a group of friends, how do you talk about homosexuality…or addictions….or homelessness…or porn stars? Is it with disgust and disdain?
“I don’t understand why she stays with him if he beats her. If a man hit me once, shame one him; hits me twice, shame on me. There is no way I’d stay with someone who hit me.”
“That is so disgusting…it gives me the creeps. Relationships are for a man and a woman. Guys with guys….women with women…is so abnormal.”
“I don’t understand why homeless people don’t just go get a job. If they weren’t so lazy or on crack, they’d be able to hold down a job and have a place to live.”
These opinions, expressed in the seeming privacy of friends, have the potential to hinder or destroy the development of a safe place. A wife who is abused will remember those words and feel shame and guilt. She will hide her abuse from those who blame her for enduring it. A young man struggling with homosexuality will not feel an open door to discussing his sexual tendencies with those who are creeped out by it. A homeless person will not seek help from one who minimizes his very real struggle.
If we start a judgmental statement with the words, “I just don’t understand….”, our first step…before even completing the sentence…should be to seek to understand. That woman who is being abused may be so humiliated that she believes she deserves the treatment she gets. That homeless person may have a job…or may not…but getting a job is not as easy as one might think. Seek to understand before judging a person’s situation.
It’s one thing to talk among friends…20 or so people might hear; in church, maybe more. But, on Facebook, hundreds of people can “hear” your words, your comments, and your feelings on any matter. When we are careful with the words we say no matter who is listening, we create a safe atmosphere for people to open up and expose their struggles, their wounds, their brokenness. When we are careful with how we respond publicly, those reading feel like they can reach out to us if they need to.
There is no room for disgust. Let me say that again: There is absolutely no room for disgust! No one is a scumbag…no one is a jerk….no one is beyond the reach of redemption. Every person you read of, no matter how hideous their actions, is still a child made in the image of God who doesn’t know who they are yet. We need to be able to look past what we can see with our natural eyes until we find the wound or brokenness. People are generally aware of, and are uneasy and ashamed, of what is inside of them. When we respond with disgust, we heap more shame on one who is already filled with it. Furthermore, if I am disgusted by the sin of others, I doubt I have an accurate view of my own.
When we take the time to walk a mile in the shoes of another….identify with him and his pain…placing ourselves, as best we can, in their situation, our understanding and empathy will increase. Suddenly…or not so suddenly, we understand why she stays with him….how real-and lonely- the struggle with sexual identity is…how overwhelmingly difficult it is to get on your feet when you’re in a deep hole.
A safe environment allows everyone to be authentic…which also means we cannot be easily hurt or offended. This doesn’t give permission for people to be insensitive. But, it gives the benefit of the doubt, assuming the other’s intentions were pure. It does not mean I can say what I want and you shouldn’t be offended; it means our identity is in Him and we are not victims. We are powerful people and can take our offenses to Him and to the person involved. I have lenses…we all do. And our interactions are filtered through these lenses. I may see your words or actions as hurtful because I am reading into them something you are not saying because of what I believe about myself. People won’t always respond the way they should.
Having an unoffendable heart contributes to creating a safe environment.
A safe environment allows everyone to be vulnerable…to uncurl or pull in their barbs or come out of their shell. But, vulnerability often starts with ourselves. When we are vulnerable, others feel safe enough to make themselves vulnerable as well. Risk is a part of vulnerability…and a part of relationship. When we are willing to risk in order to maintain connection, we show people how important they are to us. We will not allow anything to interfere with our connections. Being willing to need people is also important. We want to be needed…but others want to be needed also. Need…and being needed are both aspects of relationship and an environment that is safe for people.
When we create a safe environment, people will begin to reveal what’s going on inside. When that happens, it is vital…absolutely vital…to maintain what I call a “Sozo face.” It’s an expression I assume in a Sozo session that doesn’t respond to what the client shares, but is not apathetic or indifferent. It’s an empathetic, pleasant, engage facial expression that communicates, “I care about you and nothing you tell me will change that.” When we respond with shock or horror, it communicates to the person that what they already feel about themselves is true…they are different, abnormal, shameful, etc. They will immediately steer the conversation elsewhere and only reveal small pieces of themselves. 93% of communication is non-verbal; 55% is body language.
Our words may communicate love and acceptance…we need to be sure our body language does as well.
In a safe environment, porcupines will cease to attack, armadillos will uncurl, and turtles will come out of their shells. But, it doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, patience, and perseverance. It requires that we look past the behavior to the heart…past the coping mechanism to the brokenness. It means that we respond to others the way we want others to respond to us.
