Jokes and comical stories abound that target the differences between men and women. It’s commonly understood that the brains of men and women are very different. They say men think about sex every 7 minutes. That seems unbelievable until one takes a look at the male brain:
Obviously this is meant to be comedic and we can laugh at it. But, the differences between the genders cause a lot of misunderstanding and heartache. Nowhere is that more evident than in the area of our sexuality. Popular culture tends to disempower women by telling them they must dress in a certain way to get the attention of men. The modesty culture tends to disempower women by telling them they must dress in a certain way to keep men from looking at them. Either way, the impetus is placed on the women to accommodate her clothing or body to the sexual desires of men…women are the ones who are held responsible for the sexual desires of men. This sends a confusing message that leaves women feeling ashamed of their bodies. Alternately, men don’t fully understand how or why their body acts the way it does. They weary of constantly averting their eyes, burdened with guilt because they get aroused so quickly, and they find themselves feeling ashamed of their bodies.
In all honesty, many women are tempted to think all men are perverts because of the way they are wired. And many men, after years of trying to tame the monster inside and failing to do so, wonder if they are But are they really perverts?
I realize there is a large spectrum upon which we all fall. Some women are very male-like in their thinking and relating; some men are more emotionally wired as women are. But, though there are variations, the differences are still evident. The male brain is different than the female brain. The differences are distinct enough that a scan of the brain can reveal the gender of the person. It can be helpful for us women to understand these differences. These differences in the male and female brain form in utero. Sometime between the 3rd and 6th month, the fetus is bombarded with different hormones depending upon the gender of the fetus. The mother’s hormonal system “reads” the chromosomal makeup of the child. If it is XY, the child is bombarded with higher degrees of testosterone; if XX, the mother’s hormonal system bombards the fetus with higher degrees of estrogen. Both get testosterone and estrogen, but different amounts depending upon what the mother’s hormonal system reads. This hormonal bombardment affects the forming brain. When a forming brain gets bombarded with testosterone, certain cortical areas grow and become connected to other areas; when a developing brain gets bombarded with estrogen and progesterone, certain other cortical areas grow and connect. A male fetus will get more testosterone and will have a more male brain; a female fetus will get more estrogen/progesterone and have more of a female brain. This is determined completely by the 6th month of pregnancy.(1)
There are three parts of the brain: brain stem, the limbic system, and the cerebral cortex. The brain stem controls basic bodily functions, involuntary actions, and our fight-or-flight responses. The limbic system handles our emotional responses and organizes our sensory responses. The cerebral cortex is the thinking, reasoning, and decision-making center. Men rely more on brain stem activity than limbic. They spend less time thinking about their feelings. This is helpful when a danger signal is triggered. For men, their fight-or-flight mechanism kicks in quicker and their response time to the danger is much faster. Women have a social advantage by thinking more about their feelings and the feelings of others, but they are much less inclined to rush into danger and have a slower reaction to danger.
As a mother, I’ve wondered at some of the things my boys did. It was like they didn’t think through the consequences. They likely didn’t…because of their brain development. The area of the brain where these abilities are developed is the frontal and prefrontal areas…and those areas develop slower in boys than in girls.(2) Plus, guys have fewer neural pathways between these centers of the brain…to and from the emotive centers in the limbic system…to and from the limbic system to other areas of the brain…and between cortical areas. This means that it takes longer for their brain to make a thought-out decision.(3) This is why boys are more impulsive…why they leave us wondering, “What in the world were you thinking?”
The nucleus accumbens is the reward center of the brain and is located in the limbic system. This is the area of the brain that lights up when a person is feeling, or anticipating, pleasure. It processes all sorts of pleasurable sights, sounds, smells, and thoughts…not just sexual.(4) When you see your favorite dessert and you can almost taste it…that’s your nucleus accumbens. Automatically and without thought, your body reacts to the sight of the dessert. You don’t think about enjoying it’s taste…you don’t decide to try to “taste” it…it happens. You have a trigger(the dessert), several areas of the brain light up and send signals that cause your mouth to water and to savor its delicious “taste.” This happens within a millisecond. Then, it moves to the cortical area of the brain where you decide if you will indulge or refrain.
Something similar happens when a man sees a woman who is dressed as to show off her figure or reveal cleavage, or in a manner he perceives as sexual. A center of the brain…their nucleus accumbens lights up..and a whole chain of events happens within milliseconds…without their thought or decision. Then, it moves to the cortical areas where they decide what to do with that image.
Part of this chain of events involves several other biological factors of the male brain. First, they have more spinal fluid than women. Physical impulses move through the spinal fluid. the more spinal fluid the body has, the quicker physical impulses are transmitted.(5) So, when a man sees something pleasurable, his physical response to it is much faster than that of a women. Second, guys have less gray matter and more white matter in their brains. Gray matter is where we process the information we receive; white matter transmits electrical impulses throughout the body.(6)
With fewer neural pathways to the emotive centers in the limbic system and less verbal routing for data, as well as slower frontal and prefrontal lobe development, the male brain does not process moral stimulation through the same routes the female might choose.(7) All of this translates into the reality for most men that when they see a women they perceive as sexual, their instant biological response is arousal. It takes longer for them to move from their nucleus accumbent to their cortical(thinking) areas. In the meantime, the physical and electrical impulses are already coursing through their bodies. This makes it even more difficult for them to move from the nucleus accumbens to the cortical center of their brain to make a decision.
Aren’t women visual too? Yes, some are. In fact, some women are very visual. Society and the church has a double standard in that we screen things that have scantily clad women, but do not do the same when men are half-dressed. But though some women are visual, it is not to the degree that men are. Also, the impulses in their brain move to the cortical area much faster, and with more gray matter in the brain women are able to decide faster what to do with the image they see. Furthermore, their reduced amount of spinal fluid and less white matter means the physical impulses take longer thereby their physical reaction, or arousal, is slower. They may be attracted, even aroused to a degree, but their brain facilitates a thinking process more than one of sexual arousal. This is not even factoring in the larger limbic system in women that equates to more of an emotional wiring and a need for emotional connection to be strongly aroused.
Many have come to believe that it is impossible for a man to look at a woman and not see her as sexually attractive. Yet brain scans tell another story. When a man is shown an image that he does not perceive as sexual, he does not have the same reaction. Different areas of the brain light up.(8) Perception is the key. Society, and the church, have given place to the lie that because of their biological response this is the norm for all men…that this is “every man’s battle” and “boys will be boys.” As men are more conditioned to accept this, and as women are more and more sexualized, the likelihood of a man perceiving women in a sexual manner increases thereby making this trigger/response more likely to result in a less favorable decision for both genders.
This design of the male brain is not an accident or an oversight. God designed them this way so men will take a mate and build a family. Their different brains, and their respective hormones, help to create a wonderful bond between husband and wife. The stability of the culture is founded upon the stability of the family unit. The only sexual sight a man was ever supposed to see was his wife. But, society has perverted sex and men are bombarded with sexual images crippling their ability to view women in a godly manner. Plus, the church has taught both men and women that men cannot help but think these thoughts unless women dress appropriately. Combined with an inadequate view of the gospel, we have a toxic mix of ideology, theology, and culture that both contributes to the rape culture and increases the guilt men feel and the shame placed on women.
How do we each respond to this biological reality?
If the male brain is really wired this way, is it even possible for them to walk in victory? How? Self-control, repentance and a biblical understanding of the gospel.
Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. It means that I am in control of me. I am not in control of you…and you are not in control of me. It means that I am completely responsible for my thoughts, my choices, my actions. It means that nothing you say or do causes my thoughts, actions or choices; nothing I say or do causes your thoughts, actions, or choices. No one can make me angry…no one can make anyone frustrated…no one can make someone lust.
Repentance is “metanoeo” which means to change one’s thinking. When men change their perception of women, their biological response changes. Women are not primarily sexual partners. They are primarily daughters of the Almighty God. Men and women are, first and foremost, brothers and sisters in Christ. Paul exhorts men to treat older women as their mother and younger women as their sister(1 Tim. 5:2). That women you cannot help but view as a sexual being is a child of God…your sister in Christ. She is a person to be honored, not an image to be consumed. This is true even in marriage. My husband is my brother in Christ first, my husband second.
We have created a theology that tells us we cannot help but sin…we are powerless against it. But the Bible says that Jesus defeated the power of sin…sin does not reign over us anymore(Romans 6). This is no less true of sexual sin than any other. Every person reading this has the power to say no to sin when temptation presents itself. That’s what grace is…the empowerment to say no to all forms of sin(Titus 2:12). No one can make us sin. Therefore, no one can make someone lust. Victory is found when we realize that sin no longer has any power over us and we are fighting our battle from a place of His victory; we are not fighting for victory. The victory is already won! We only need to believe it, by faith.
The victory of sexual temptation was won by Christ, as a living breathing male with a healthy physical body. He wrestled with every temptation common to mankind. Do you not think He wrestled with sexual temptation? Yet, He talked with prostitutes unhindered by sexual attraction. He was able to view them as a person, not as a sexual being. He was able to feel compassion for them not lust. He is our example in temptation we face.
How do women respond to this in practical ways? We are powerful people too. We are not victims in this. We can say no to both cultures who try to place upon us the responsibility for the sexual desires of men. We are not, in any way, responsible for the purity of our brothers. Ever. Period.
In a reaction against the modesty culture, many women have adopted the polar opposite response…that we can wear whatever we want and men can keep their eyes to themselves. It is one thing to think that when we’re talking about the wandering eyes of mature men who are believers. But, what about 13-14 year old teens whose hormones are raging? Or, 8-9 boys who are confused about what happens to their bodies when they see parts of the female body?
In reality, the discussion has been framed around a false dichotomy…an situation presented in such a way that only 2 options are seen as viable. It is not our job that our brothers in Christ have victory over their thoughts and actions…but neither should we adopt Cain’s attitude of “Am I my brother’s keeper?” Technically, the answer to that question is no. We’re not our brothers’ keepers. We aren’t…we never were. But, it betrays a heart of indifference toward the needs of our brothers. While the one is dishonoring toward women, the second is dishonoring toward men. And neither enables us to walk in unity and respect for each other. Is there another response?
In a word…love.
Paul was a vociferous opponent to anyone who tried to convince others of the need to keep to the standards of the Law. In his polemic address to the Galatians who were being influenced by the Judaizers to force Gentiles to be circumcised, he exclaimed that they should cut the whole thing off! But yet…he circumcised Timothy so as not to cause offense…he wanted nothing hindering the gospel message. Their concern for the people compelled both Timothy and Paul. They decided that circumcision was a small matter compared to the hearts of those people.
In Philippians 2 we are told that Jesus, “though he was God…emptied Himself, took on the form of a servant, humbled Himself to the point of death…” If anyone had rights to hold on to, Christ did. But, He laid them aside because we needed Him. It wasn’t done out of obligation or guilt…no one forced Him or shamed Him into it. He did it out of love. It is in this context that Paul exhorts us to “look not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others.”(Phil. 2:4)
We are powerful and free. We are called to freedom but are encouraged to use that freedom to serve one another(Gal 5:13). In our freedom, we can lay aside our right to wear what we want because we care for the hearts of our brothers. Not out of obligation, guilt or shame, but out of love. Women have been disempowered for generations by both the church and society. Empowerment doesn’t mean flaunting my rights…it means I can choose to love you and allow my actions to flow from that love. I am not bound to your standard, but to the standard of love.
Paul encourages believers to love each other with brotherly love and take delight in honoring one another. For men, that means loving women as sisters first. For women, that means love dictates our wardrobe because we care deeply for our brothers and understand the battle in their minds.
The new covenant has only one command…”A new command I give you, love each other as I have loved you.”(John 13:34) For all of us that involves sacrifice, abundant grace given, and empowering one another. When women can love their brothers the way Christ did, it is a small matter to put aside certain items of clothing. When men can love their sisters the way Christ did, it is a small matter to change their perspective so women are no longer seen in a sexual way.
We are brothers and sisters in Christ. Our lives…our thoughts…our choices…our actions…our words, must reflect that.
**For further reading, I highly recommend two books. Guys, if you are tired of trying to tame the monster, tired of tricks and exercises that don’t give you the freedom you desire, Eyes of Honor by Jonathan Welton will help you. It is the best book available that speaks to purity and righteousness. There is no equal! Ladies, if you would like to understand the way men see and think, the book you need is Through a Man’s Eyes by Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Gross.**
Endnotes:
1. Gurian, Michael (2007-04-01). What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man’s Mind Really Works. St. Martin’s Press. Kindle Edition. p. 7
2. Ibid, (p. 59).
3. Ibid. (p. 58).
4. Feldhahn, Shaunti & Gross, Craig. 2015. Through a Man’s Eyes. Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah Press. (p. 21)
5. Ibid. (p. 59)
6. Ibid. (p. 59)
7. Ibid. (p. 60)
8. Feldhahn & Gross, p. 24
