“I don’t know of any other pain in life that is worse than being betrayed by someone close to you. It changes everything.”(1)
In the span of 9-10 months, I lost two of my closest friends…one to cancer and the other to betrayal. As I journeyed toward healing from the loss of both friends, I became keenly aware that the loss of a friendship because of betrayal is a much more difficult journey. Betrayal is a loss…a casualty. By it’s very definition, it’s a casualty of trust. But also so much more…
“…it is the loss of the relationship. It is the stinging realization that your trust and devotion meant so little to them. There is the death of a friendship, the death of a partnership, the death of a family or business, the death of a marriage. And because there’s been a death, a loss, we find ourselves reeling from emotions.” (2)
Unfortunately, as much as you need friends to walk with you through a loss, there’s a very different response to these two different reasons for your loss. Losing a friend to cancer elicits sympathy; losing a friend to betrayal elicits suspicion. Friends gather around those who have lost a close friend to death but tend to pull away when it’s because of betrayal…to avoid conflict or taking sides. People don’t recognize the grieving process as easily when you’re grieving a loss through betrayal so you’ll meet with rebuke during some of those stages rather than comfort. Losing a friend to cancer, we can reach out to those who have walked a similar journey…but might be hesitant to reach out to those who have lost friends to betrayal. So we find ourselves isolated.
Because my sincere desire was to walk this out in love, I was not going to discuss it with anyone unless they asked specifically. And few asked. I’m incredibly thankful for a couple friends who kept checking on me, but most weren’t interested. I was plunged into a soul-crushing blackness of isolation I was totally unprepared for. It was indescribable, painful to even discuss. As time passed, I opened up to a few other concerned friends, alleviating some of that isolation.
Memories and reminders of the relationship evoke different emotions and internal responses. I saved a couple voice messages from the one friend. When I really miss her, I’ll listen to one or two of them and she feels closer somehow; it brings back memories of good times together. But the betrayal of the other friend cast a pall over all our previous interactions. They are a reminder of what once was. But more than that, the betrayal has raised questions as to the sincerity of most, if not all, those interactions. Was that email sincere? Were those words genuine? Was any of it real?
“Before you were betrayed you may not have had everything figured out, but you felt like you were on the way to it. You felt that you had some value in the world. Afterwards you realize that everything you believed before—especially about that person and probably about yourself—was a sham.” (3)
It’s tempting for any of us who have experienced the painful loss of a relationship to wonder if any of it was real…to think it was all just a sham. In those moments, we often need to remind ourselves that being wounded by a friend doesn’t necessarily invalidate the relationship. But, betrayal is different. Partly because betrayal doesn’t happen in isolation…there’s a number of little betrayals before the big one that destroyed the relationship. Partly because betrayal means deception, and once deception is introduced into the relationship, no part of it feels authentic.
I knew everything was changed the moment the sentence was out…”I only asked you to do that because I was afraid of your anger. I knew that if I did what I wanted, you’d be angry so I figured I’d better ask you what you wanted.” I felt like the rug was just pulled out from under me. If that statement was true, then what I had been led to believe earlier was a lie. I was told my input and my contribution were valuable and wanted, but now I’m being told it was only a capitulation to one of my weaknesses. Months earlier, I was begged for my input…and now I was being blamed that he asked me for it. How can I know with any degree of certainty that anything else was a genuine request of one friend to another? How will I ever know that my input or contribution is, or was, sought because it is valued or that I’d later be blamed for giving it?
“The lies betrayers tell to justify their actions are usually twisted version of the truth.” (4)
Then I became aware of the lies. Lies told to me…to my husband…to friends. Lies that reached the ears of some family members and caused them pain. Lies that I said things I never said, did things I never did, thought/felt things I never thought/felt. Lies mostly told behind my back. Lies about things very dear to me and about yearnings I wrestled with. Lies designed to prove how unhealthy I was or to implicate me in some way…lies that betrayed me, my heart, and my integrity. Lies dismissed by his response that “Facts don’t matter…it only matters how I felt.” What other lies have been told?
When you don’t know what’s lie or what’s true…what’s sincere or what’s disingenuous…it all feels like a sham.
The chances of losing other friendships is greater when the loss of the friendship is through betrayal. When my friend died last January of cancer, none of my other relationships were affected. I was still friends with her family…the common friendships we shared stay in tact. If anything, the loss of a mutual friend to death draws you closer to the friends you still have. But, that’s not how it is with betrayal. So many other relationships are affected negatively.
“Betrayal doesn’t happen in a vacuum. The betrayed and the betrayer are not the only ones involved. There are always several relationships shared in common, and when we are betrayed, not everyone is going to see things the same way we do.” (5)
Mutual friends don’t know the nature of the betrayal, and often don’t want to know. Because they don’t understand how deeply you’ve been wounded, they don’t understand your pain or your healing process. When I was at my most vulnerable point–more vulnerable I’d ever been with anyone in my life–I was told by a mutual friend that I was toxic, just wanted to spew venom and she couldn’t be around me. It felt like salt was poured into an raw, open wound and rubbed in with extra force. I don’t know how I drove home through the blinding tears, but I remember driving straight to a friend’s house and collapsing in her arms, saying “I can’t do this anymore. I tried to stick it out for everyone’s sake, but I can’t anymore.”
When you’re part of a community who loses one member to death, the community rallies around each other and is strengthened. But, when the betrayal happens in a community and you are forced to leave, you lose many of those relationships. You lose your tribe. I sat in a worship service desperately trying to hold back the sobs. I thought I’d healed enough that I was past the point of uncontrollable weeping, but here I was fighting to control my emotions. I don’t belong here! I don’t want to be here! I was bewildered by that feeling but couldn’t shake it. Then I realized that I was feeling like a divorcee looking for a new house, and none of them have the fragrances of lost friendships…there isn’t the familiar laughter echoing in the halls….no memories of family gatherings or intimate moments shared. Yes, it’s familiar and comfortable…but it’s not home. Yes, I know almost everyone here, but it’s not family.
I noticed a sadness would envelop me when I was perusing Facebook and didn’t really understand why. Several days later, as I read an email, I was enveloped with sadness and was once again fighting tears. Getting quite accustomed to the emotional roller coaster of the grieving process, I sorted out what I was feeling to get to the root of it. I felt like a divorcee again…but this time I was driving by my old house, and through the windows, I got a glimpse of the family enjoying each other’s company, having fun together, making plans together. All the things I once was part of…and missed dearly. That’s my family in there…and I am no longer a part of it! So much loss because of betrayal.
Just as we grieve the loss of a friend or loved one who dies, we need to grieve the loss of a friend or loved one who betrays us, as well as the losses that came as a result of that betrayal; we have experienced a death on several levels, and enter into a grieving process often without realizing it, one that is likely to be very painful. There are 5 phases to the grieving process, whether the loss is to cancer or betrayal.
Denial. When we first learn of the betrayal, or first realize it or name it, there’s a sense of shock…a feeling that it just cannot be true. We want to pinch ourselves to be sure it’s not a nightmare. Am I overreacting? Am I making mountains out of molehills? We might minimize what happened to give us some semblance of control against it happening again.
Anger. Anger that can feel like hatred. Anger at the offender(How could they do this to me? Did our relationship mean so little to them?). Anger at God(Why did He let this happen? This anger could be intensified If the betrayal was at the hands of a spiritual leader because we believe He may have supported or encouraged the treatment we received). Anger at ourselves(How could we have been so naive? Why did we ignore the warning signs that now seem so obvious?).
“Anger is a natural reaction to things that could harm us or that violate our sense of justice—what is right and fair—in our world. Giving myself permission to be angry gave me an opportunity to deal with other emotions I experienced because of the betrayal. When we stuff the most powerful emotion we feel, we also stuff the emotions beneath it.” (6)
Bargaining. “If only…” characterizes this stage. “If only I had said that differently….” “If only I hadn’t been so trusting…” “If only I’d end the relationship back when that happened….” In acknowledging that we were betrayed, we are also acknowledging that we are betrayable. The loss of a friend to cancer is, in many ways, unavoidable. At least no one did anything to intentionally cause the death…and subsequently, the loss of the friendship. But, betrayal is different.
“The person we trusted had absolute control over whether they betrayed us or not. That makes the bargaining all that much more poignant. It’s not just the betrayal but that we were gullible enough to allow them to betray us. By acknowledging what they did, we implicate ourselves as well. If they’re guilty, so are we. They may have been devious, but we were fooled by them. Which is worse?” (7)
Depression. The emotional trauma of betrayal, the intense emotions in its aftermath, the isolation from friends, all take their toll and a deep sadness envelopes us as we think of our loss and our new future, as we wrestle with the doubts we now have about ourselves and our worth, as we seek to unearth lies that are buried beneath all the swirling emotions.
“Psychologists agree that betrayal is a very traumatic experience. And the closer we are to the betrayer, the more traumatic it is. In fact, it has many things in common with PTSD.” (8)
Acceptance. Not everyone gets to this stage, but it’s characterized by a serenity that releases the pain of yesterday and the burden of tomorrow, and chooses to live in today. It’s in this stage where we feel the dying embers of hope begin to burn again.
Every journey of healing from betrayal will be different. We each have a different journey of healing and will spend different lengths of time working through each stage and express each stage with different levels of intensity. There’s no specific order of the stages or no way to if you’ll never experience a certain stage again. I don’t know how many times I thought I was in the beginning of accepting it, then was back to “what ifs” or anger. Or, I’d find myself momentarily back in denial. Betrayal is like a wound that keeps getting bumped. Every bump has the potential to send us back to a stage we’ve been through earlier.
But it’s ok. Recovering from betrayal is a grieving process just as surely as if someone had died..and likely to be more painful. We need to allow ourselves to journey through the entire process. Healing is not a sprint, but a marathon. Stage 5, and beyond, will come. The future…that new future that looks entirely different than it did before…whether or not it involves reconciliation…will always be waiting patiently. I look forward to the day when I can look back and see how He worked this painful season into a thing of beauty. He’s all about making things new…bringing beauty from ashes. Everything worked for my good and His glory.
“…there will come a day when you will hear the birds singing again. You will again feel the sun on your face, recognize it’s spring, and be glad you’re alive to experience God’s goodness.” (9)
Endnotes:
1. Waldrep, Phil. 2020. Beyond Betrayal. (Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers), p. 15
2. Ibid., p. 103
3. Ibid., p. 55
4. Ibid., p. 71
5. Ibid., p. 125
6. Ibid., p. 141, 143
7. Ibid., p. 103-104
8. Ibid., p. 57
9. Ibid., p. 209
“I don’t know of any other pain in life that is worse than being betrayed by someone close to you. It changes everything.”(1)