Much of my wilderness consisted of deserts with a few oases. My prayer time felt like empty words bouncing of the ceiling; my devotional time was an obligation, not a delight. I would do both because it’s a spiritual discipline, but it often felt like all I was getting was sand and more sand. I kept sputtering and shriveling up.
During this time, I kept telling myself that feelings aren’t dependable. That even if I feel like God isn’t there, He still is. I may not be sensing His presence, but He was present nonetheless. But, it was no longer enough. I wanted to feel His presence. When I cried out to His for wisdom, I longed to hear His words! I wanted to sense that my prayers didn’t just hit the ceiling. I wanted to read His Word and have it come alive. I remember during this time, a friend mentioning that every time she opens the Bible, God highlights something for her. That’s discouraging to hear when you feel like opening the Bible is like opening an encyclopedia or dictionary.I knew that emotions could not necessarily be depended upon, but they add an element to a relationship that is necessary….and in my case….absent. I was sick and tired of my relationship with God being based solely on, “The Bible says it so that settles it.” I wanted more, I wanted to FEEL Him, His leading, His love. There isn’t a woman alive who would be satisfied with that kind of a marriage, yet we encourage people to be satisfied with that kind of a relationship with the Lover of their souls because, after all, “We can’t depend on feelings.” Absurd!
I had several oases in my desert. One was our worship time at church. That provided for me my only emotional connection with God. (As a side-note, it frustrates me when those who prefer hymns want to eliminate p@w songs from our worship time with little regard for those who connect with God through those very songs.) We have had some very meaningful worship times that were life to me during this time. They were like an oasis in the desert, cold water to this thirsty soul.
Another oasis was my husband. He hurt for me and wanted to help me find my heart’s longing. He knew he couldn’t, that God must, but he felt deeply what I was feeling. Plus, his unconditional love paved the way for me to understand God’s unconditional love.
The pivotal time came during a prayer session wisely called by my niece, a prayer session for me. As those women gathered around me, prayed for me and ministered to me, I began to see the end of this wilderness.
Some time after this, I had my 1st SOZO session. (SOZO is a prayer ministry that brings deep, lasting healing in a fraction of the time counseling would. The word SOZO means “to save, heal, deliver”.) All I can say about it is, “WOW!” God met me that evening in such a powerful way that it brings tears to my eyes still. He gave me a vision of a daddy squatting on the ground opening his arms in an invitation to his little girl. Then, she throws herself into his arms and he picks her up, twirls her around and draws her to his chest. I can’t write those words without tears. It brought so much healing. I finally KNEW that He loved me! That HE LOVED ME! That He loved ME! I was beginning to see green grass and flowers blooming and evidence of the edge of the desert.
Since that time, He has given me several visions of what He thinks of me. One was a scene of a wedding reception and it was time for the 1st dance. The groom was looking at His bride adoringly as He whispered, “I’ve waited so long for this day!” That bride was me! The groom was my Heavenly Father! Another was a vision of the 2 of us walking, hand in hand, casually through a field just chatting and enjoying each other’s company.
If you are there, in that desert, and your devotional time is a chore; your prayer life dry; God feels distant and cold, keep praying! Do NOT give up! His love for you is just as great as His love for me. And, He wants you to know that, but you must persevere. It is in becoming desperate in our longing, that the fulfillment is sweeter.
For those who say you can’t trust your feelings, a relationship with God should never be characterized by an absence of feelings and emotions. He GAVE them to us. He tells us to believe in our HEARTS! Why? Because we can believe something in our minds, but until we believe it in our hearts, it doesn’t affect us. There is absolutely no other relationship we have that would satisfy if it were devoid of emotion. The heart, under His control, is no less trustworthy than the mind. And the mind can convince us of error if it is not under His control. To expect to come into the presence of the Almighty God and NOT feel something is wrong. Expect more in your relationship with Him!