Gossip has destroyed many people and weakened the unity of many churches. It is an enemy of unity that is easily recognized. But, there is another enemy of that unity that is not so easily recognized, one that does far more damage, one that cuts into the very fabric of unity, weakening the trust in each other. Anonymity.
In reality, it’s a sister to gossip. It starts usually from gossip…but takes on a spiritual facade. In the guise of “concern”, one will go to a brother or sister with a concern from an anonymous person. “Some people are concerned about…..” “Someone expressed discomfort with…..” “A couple of people believe you are going about this wrong.” and so on.
I have had it happen to me on several occasions. And, I vividly remember being guilty of doing it myself. I knew the moment the words were out of my mouth, “I’m not the only one who sees this. Others do.” I frantically wished I could take them back…..but that was impossible….the damage was done.
Biblically, the goal of confrontation is restoration. You confront when you have sinned against another(Matt. 5) or when one has sinned against you(Matt. 18). In both these scriptures, the goal is restoration of the relationship with one another and with Christ. But anonymity conceals one member of that confrontation. And the one left holding the baggage has no way of following through on seeking restoration, clarification. Forgiveness, if necessary, cannot be requested. Apologies, if needed, cannot be given. If misunderstanding is a part of it, it cannot be clarified. It is impossible to address anonymous concerns with the individual that has them. Anonymous concerns, no matter how spiritual they sound, are simply a means of venting….the goal is not restoration…..the goal is not unity.
Anonymity is not born of love or concern…..it is born of selfishness. If I love another person, I express my concern for them, come alongside them and cheer them on. I don’t sit on the sidelines, hiding my identity and shout accusations or question their sincerity. My desire is for their growth as well as others around me.
But, there is another aspect of anonymity that I believe makes it far more dangerous than gossip, though often the two go hand-in-hand. In the case of anonymity, every person becomes the face of “some people”. When one has been accused anonymously in a congregation, whenever they go to church, associate with their church family, they are never certain where they stand. “Is this person who is treating me so nicely the one who thinks I’m completely whacked?” “Is this sister I’m visiting with the same one who accused me of ___________” It is impossible to be in that situation and trust.
I am all for vulnerability….but not vulnerability that doesn’t have strengthening and growing as it’s goal. To accuse another anonymously is to make them vulnerable in a gathering where they should feel safe. It also makes them vulnerable to the enemy’s attacks. It increases their doubts, anxieties, and strengthens their feelings of inadequacy. It makes them feel like they don’t belong.
Now, it is possible for that person to bring this all to Jesus, lay it as His feet and respond like He would and grow. But, that entire burden is on the one who has been anonymously accused. It is a growth that occurs independent of the body of believers. But, the body of believers needs to be willing to grow together; to seek the growth and maturation of each other; to be concerned about other’s needs above our own. Anonymity allows for none of that.
This weapon of the enemy’s would cease to exist if we would simply take God at His Word and act upon the scriptures we read. Confronting the person who has offended us or sinned against us; seeking out the person who we believe is in error and open up a discussion rather than spouting off to whomever will listen; loving each other enough to approach the person we are concerned about with the concerns we have. If our concern and love is for each other, we will approach the person, not another.
Furthermore, if someone comes to me with a concern for someone else, my 1st question should be, “Have you discussed this with him/her?” Matthew 18 is clear that we approach the offending brother or sister first before anyone else-even family membersor church leadership-is involved. (Talking with one’s spouse would be acceptable to gain their insight. There are times we are offended when no offense was intended and our spouse can help us see if we have perceived things correctly. The same would hold for young people in seeking the counsel of their own parents.) If they continue to share their concern, I must be very clear that if I ever talk with the person, I will use their name. Knowing that credit will be given where credit is due will stop quite a bit of gossip. But, it is the only means that the offending brother or sister can seek restoration in that relationship. Even if they fail to see eye-to-eye, there is huge potential for a deeper measure of respect and trust for each other.
In reality, we should avoid confronting someone on behalf of another. We need to encourage the one who is offended to go personally. Scripture nowhere gives us directive to approach someone one behalf of another’s grievance. We can after they have attempted restoration and that failed….but not before or in place of. But, if we do, it should not be anonymous. It will destroy your relationship with the one you have confronted because you entertained and sympathized with another without helping the person restore himself/herself. The relationship of the offending brother/sister and the rest of the church is severely damaged. And, the relationship that is the center of the conflict is not restored.
You want unity? You want to be part of a body that trusts each other, a body that encourages and strengthens one another, that grows together toward greater Christlikeness? Then decide that anonymity will not be a part of the confrontation and restoration process in your life.
Personally confront the person you have offended or who has offended you.
Avoid entertaining “concerns”, but when you do encourage the person to confront the one with whom they have a concern.
Above all else, never….never….never confront a person with an anonymous accusation or concern. If you are not free to say the name…..you are not free to say the concern. It will destroy the fabric of unity in every relationship that is involved.