Some time ago, I listen to a message on the life of Jacob by Bob Sorge. It was a challenging message, though I confess I can’t remember much of it now. There was one phrase though that stuck out to me and has come back to me numerous times. He was talking of Jacob’s belief of Jehovah’s faithfulness and said that Jacob “was willing to take this to the grave” even if he never saw the evidence.
It got me to thinking about my beliefs about God….what the Bible says…..and my response when life and experience doesn’t match what the Bible says. Am I willing to take that to the grave, believing it till the day I die, even if I never see it with my eyes?
I have no difficulty believing that God desires healing. It doesn’t always happen, but I still believe it’s His will. He is Jehovah Rapha, even if I never see a healing. I’ll take that conviction to my grave….even if I never see evidence of it. But, I have. Personally, I prayed for over 15 years for healing for myself. Obviously, it wasn’t something that interfered with daily function, though it severely hampered some aspects of my life that were completely hidden from public view. It had the potential to destroy my marriage. Over 7 years ago, I received a prophetic word through a verse someone had written on a whiteboard. I claimed that and prayed even more fervently for healing…..for over 7 years! Every time that prayer seemed to go unanswered, I wept in crushing disappointment. Every time the answer seemed to be a “No” or a “not yet”, I had the choice to abandon my prayer for healing, change my belief and give it up, knowing that I was also giving up on my receiving healing. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but hope abandoned is despair. I was able to wipe my tears away….and pray again….because my belief that healing is always God’s desire was firmly anchored in my soul. I do not have to see healing to believe that He is my Healer, that He wants to heal me. Finally, after all those years, He did bring healing and I praise Him for it. But, that experience didn’t make me believe He wanted to heal me. I already believed that. It wasn’t hard for for me though I realize it may be for others. On the other hand, there is one characteristic of God that is very difficult for me to believe that others may find easy.
That He will be my Defense.
You see, there’s this little girl inside of me screaming out for someone….anyone…to stand up and say, “I love her so much and you WILL NOT treat her this way!!” I can hardly write those words without emotion spilling over. Whenever I speak them aloud, I cannot control the tears. It is an incredible ache inside of me that has formed the exterior of me that everyone sees. I long to be defended almost more than I long to breathe. That may seem foreign to many who read this. Believing He will defend you may be simple to you….like believing He will heal is simple for me to believe. It doesn’t mean either of us is more mature than the other.
For years, I said I believed He would defend me….I sang songs that say He is my Defense…my Defender. But, I lived out the belief that He would never actually do it. A lie that took root in my childhood and was reinforced every single time I saw or experienced something hurtful and nothing being done about it. Every time I felt I was insulted or wronged and those around me remained silent. Every time I saw someone I loved being unfairly treated….and those around remained silent. It aroused within me at a very early age that I would not remain silent….I would defend myself. Here’s a huge difference between this and believing for healing. I cannot heal whenever I choose. But, I can make one mean defense attorney….or prosecuting attorney, if need be! I can do that job to the point that no one would mess with me. And I did. But….in the process I wounded many. That’s what happens when we take over God’s job…..we mess it up. It also created a facade that I didn’t need defending…..I could do that myself and didn’t really need anyone to.
But, then I came face to face with His passionate love for me and I melted. I. Was. Wrecked. In a good way.
I began to realize that it was His job and I needed to lay it down, mostly because I saw the wounds I was inflicting when I did it. Then, one weekend, I went on a silent retreat by myself. I read through all the lament Psalms which cemented in my mind the conviction that He is my Defense, my Shield, my Rampart. But, being convinced in one’s mind is not the same as believing in one’s heart. Believing in your heart means you live from that conviction….it becomes part of your lifestyle…you cannot be moved from it…..and eventually it becomes as natural as breathing. I wasn’t there yet.
The best way for something to make its way from the mind to the heart is through constant testing. To be under attack, real or perceived, and those around me remaining silent. Repeatedly. Over and over again. Vulnerability. Not fun. My default mode wanted to kick in every time….and sometimes it succeeded. (I say default mode….in reality, biblically speaking, I failed to reckon myself dead and instead, I presented my members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness.) Gradually, with lots of encouragement from my soulmate, I began learning to remain quiet and just listen…..allow whatever truth there was to sink in….take time to respond so I could do it with love and so on. But, I still had difficulty really believing He would defend me. My heart was still not completely convinced.
Not long ago, I heard my Father asking me in the middle of another attack, “You have no difficulty believing that I will heal and are willing to carry that conviction to the grave even if you don’t see the evidence. Are you willing to believe I will be your Defense? Are you willing to carry that conviction to your grave…..even if you never see the evidence? If you never witness Me defending you, will you continue to believe that I will? That I am truly…your Defender?”
You know, when you look into His eyes and see the tenderness in them as He asks you a question within a question, it has a way of melting you. Wrecking you. He was asking more than just that one question. He was asking me if I trusted Him…..the same question asked of those who struggle to believe He desires to heal….do you trust Me? The same question all of us are asked in our private wrestling with the gap between what we see and what the Bible says. Do you trust Me to be Who I same I am…even if all the evidence says otherwise? Will you carry that conviction to your grave? Will you continue to believe….
That I am faithful…..even when everything around you says I am faithless.
That I am present…..even when you are completely alone.
That I am love…..even when are abandoned.
That I am your strength…..even when you can’t go on any longer.
That I am your Provider……even when all you know is lack.
That I am your Healer…..even in the midst of infirmity, illness and disability.
That I am your Defense…..even when I am silent in the midst of attack.
Will you trust me enough to believe that I am all I say I am even if you never see the evidence?
Will you, child, carry that conviction to your grave….even if you never see or experience it?